Breaking up is hard to do: Stages of relationship grief
It’s over. The relationship has ended, you’re no longer together, and it feels like you’re living in struggle street. You’ve been moping around the house for some time, diving into tubs of ice cream, and asking yourself who you are now that you are a ‘party of one’. Even if the breakup was acrimonious, at one point in time there were happy memories, and for a while your identity was in part shaped by your relationship. So why is breaking up so hard to do? Essentially you are stepping through a grief process, mourning the loss of the relationship, routine, and even identity. All of these are significant and meaningful life moments.
Stages of relationship grief
When understanding relationship grief, it’s helpful to draw on the work of American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, whose work with terminally ill individuals led to her developing the 5 stages of grief and loss. These stages have universal application to other moments of loss in all our lives, including the loss of life, loss of a job, receiving a significant health diagnosis, pregnancy loss, migration, or even changes brought upon by a global pandemic. Kubler-Ross’s stages can help us understand the complex journey of grieving and loss. With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at these five stages.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is usually our first response and it serves to protect us from the unfolding events. Numbness and shock (particularly when the end of the relationship was unexpected) help us to cope (initially) and survive at that moment in time, shielding us so we only take on what we can handle. Thoughts we may have at this point in time include:
““They’re just angry at me and trying to get my attention.”
“He’ll change his mind.””
Stage 2: Anger
Usually, anger may mask different emotions and pain behind it. Your anger may be aimed at those who were directly related to the loss: the loved one who passed away, the partner who ended the relationship. Anger may provide temporary boundaries and strength: now you have something/someone to aim your anger towards. You have a “mission” and you feel like you’re able to do something with your anger, and it can feel empowering to feel in control. It’s important to note that the anger is not always present itself in forms of wrath and rage. It can also manifest into feeling resentful and bitter about things.
““It’s all because of her mum’s meddling that it hasn’t worked out.”
“How dare he do this to me?””
Stage 3: Bargaining
The bargaining stage is typically characterised by “What if” and “If only” statements. We are motivated to bargain anything just for the chance to travel back in time to remedy the loss. We may feel lost, vulnerable, guilty, or ashamed following the break up, and in these situations it is very human to look for ways to take control of the situation by bargaining. Just like anger, it gives us a feeling of control when we try to strike a deal – either with ourselves, with a higher power (e.g., God), with the pain itself, and/or with others.
““We would still be together had I given more attention to them!”
“If only she could see how good I am for her!””
Stage 4: Depression
Once we’ve stepped away from bargaining, we may start to experience depressive feelings (intense sadness, feeling empty, feeling heavy, overwhelmed, and/or confused) as we become more aware of our present situation. The depressive feelings in the grief process is a natural and common response following a loss, and not automatically a symptom of a mental health disorder. If you suspect that your relationship grief is tipping into depression, take a look at this article.
It is also normal if you prefer solitude to process your loss during this stage. The depression is where our grief goes even deeper than the previous stages, and perhaps one of the strong feelings that we’ve been trying to deny, mask with anger, and/or control through bargaining. We might find ourselves having thoughts that highlight our helplessness and hopelessness:
““What’s the point anyway?”
”I will never find love again. No one will love me like my ex did.”
“This is so hard; I don’t know how to move on from this relationship.””
Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you’re “OK” with the end of the relationship, nor does it mean that you’ve completely moved on from the grief. It’s important to know that some people never feel completely “OK” about the end of a relationship.
Acceptance means that we have accepted the reality of the loss and that this is what is left with. This is what our new normal looks like from now on, and it is a new normal that we need to learn to live with it (in much the same way as we adjusted to a New Normal in coronavirus times). We may feel the urge to resist the new normal, hoping that we could get back to the previous life before the loss happened. Gradually, the resistance started to chip away and we begin to accept the new reality one bit at a time.
Acceptance also means having a delicate dance between good days and bad days, and that it’s OK for these two to co-exist. There will be days when things make sense and you’ve accepted the change, there will be days when they don’t, and there’s the in-between days: all are possible, all are OK.
““At the end of the day, this is the right choice for me.”
“It’s painful and I’ll miss them, but it is time to move on.””
Some important notes about relationship grief:
While the stages of grief might seem a simplistic, linear process that we step through and emerge on the other side, single and ready to mingle, in reality it’s a bit more complicated.
Grief is not a one-way street
Grieving the loss of a relationship is rarely a linear process where you experience each and every stage in a particular order. In fact, grieving process is a dynamic and complex experience. Some people jump from one stage to another, some go through them all sequentially. Some people reached the acceptance stage, some people don’t. Some people moved back to denial and sadness after period of acceptance. There’s no “right” way to grieve the loss of a relationship.
The grief stages are a guideline, rather than a prescription
Grieving is unique and highly individual, depending on the nature of your relationship, and won’t necessarily follow a ‘cookie-cutter’ approach. Sometimes the grieving process can be quite disorienting, and it will be difficult to pinpoint which stage you’re in – and that’s fine too. With these stages in mind, you’ll have a better understanding of what grieving can look like and help you prepare for it.
Grieving is not a race
There’s no “deadline” in grieving and, once again, the amount of time needed to grieve will be different from one person to another. We may end up feeling better after a couple of weeks, months, even years down the road, only to feel that pang of sadness when a particular anniversary, celebration, or milestone is looming.
All in all, give yourself the time and space to grieve
Trying to push it away and avoid it may provide a temporary relief, but the long-term consequences may cost us more. By allowing yourself to experience the whole gamut of emotions throughout the grieving process, you are giving yourself the best chance to process the loss and cope with it better. You may choose go through this on your own, with the support of loved ones.
And if you find you’re stuck in relationship grief and want to talk to a professional to help you process your grief, reach out for support. We’re available, so drop us a line.
REFERENCES
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. London, UK: Simon & Schuster UK Ltd.
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