Breaking up is hard to do: Stages of relationship grief
We can enter a grieving process following the loss of someone who has been part of your daily life. Read on to learn more about the stages of relationship grief.
Breaking up is hard to do: Stages of relationship grief
It’s over. The relationship has ended, you’re no longer together, and it feels like you’re living in struggle street. You’ve been moping around the house for some time, diving into tubs of ice cream, and asking yourself who you are now that you are a ‘party of one’. Even if the breakup was acrimonious, at one point in time there were happy memories, and for a while your identity was in part shaped by your relationship. So why is breaking up so hard to do? Essentially you are stepping through a grief process, mourning the loss of the relationship, routine, and even identity. All of these are significant and meaningful life moments.
Stages of relationship grief
When understanding relationship grief, it’s helpful to draw on the work of American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, whose work with terminally ill individuals led to her developing the 5 stages of grief and loss. These stages have universal application to other moments of loss in all our lives, including the loss of life, loss of a job, receiving a significant health diagnosis, pregnancy loss, migration, or even changes brought upon by a global pandemic. Kubler-Ross’s stages can help us understand the complex journey of grieving and loss. With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at these five stages.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is usually our first response and it serves to protect us from the unfolding events. Numbness and shock (particularly when the end of the relationship was unexpected) help us to cope (initially) and survive at that moment in time, shielding us so we only take on what we can handle. Thoughts we may have at this point in time include:
““They’re just angry at me and trying to get my attention.”
“He’ll change his mind.””
Stage 2: Anger
Usually, anger may mask different emotions and pain behind it. Your anger may be aimed at those who were directly related to the loss: the loved one who passed away, the partner who ended the relationship. Anger may provide temporary boundaries and strength: now you have something/someone to aim your anger towards. You have a “mission” and you feel like you’re able to do something with your anger, and it can feel empowering to feel in control. It’s important to note that the anger is not always present itself in forms of wrath and rage. It can also manifest into feeling resentful and bitter about things.
““It’s all because of her mum’s meddling that it hasn’t worked out.”
“How dare he do this to me?””
Stage 3: Bargaining
The bargaining stage is typically characterised by “What if” and “If only” statements. We are motivated to bargain anything just for the chance to travel back in time to remedy the loss. We may feel lost, vulnerable, guilty, or ashamed following the break up, and in these situations it is very human to look for ways to take control of the situation by bargaining. Just like anger, it gives us a feeling of control when we try to strike a deal – either with ourselves, with a higher power (e.g., God), with the pain itself, and/or with others.
““We would still be together had I given more attention to them!”
“If only she could see how good I am for her!””
Stage 4: Depression
Once we’ve stepped away from bargaining, we may start to experience depressive feelings (intense sadness, feeling empty, feeling heavy, overwhelmed, and/or confused) as we become more aware of our present situation. The depressive feelings in the grief process is a natural and common response following a loss, and not automatically a symptom of a mental health disorder. If you suspect that your relationship grief is tipping into depression, take a look at this article.
It is also normal if you prefer solitude to process your loss during this stage. The depression is where our grief goes even deeper than the previous stages, and perhaps one of the strong feelings that we’ve been trying to deny, mask with anger, and/or control through bargaining. We might find ourselves having thoughts that highlight our helplessness and hopelessness:
““What’s the point anyway?”
”I will never find love again. No one will love me like my ex did.”
“This is so hard; I don’t know how to move on from this relationship.””
Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you’re “OK” with the end of the relationship, nor does it mean that you’ve completely moved on from the grief. It’s important to know that some people never feel completely “OK” about the end of a relationship.
Acceptance means that we have accepted the reality of the loss and that this is what is left with. This is what our new normal looks like from now on, and it is a new normal that we need to learn to live with it (in much the same way as we adjusted to a New Normal in coronavirus times). We may feel the urge to resist the new normal, hoping that we could get back to the previous life before the loss happened. Gradually, the resistance started to chip away and we begin to accept the new reality one bit at a time.
Acceptance also means having a delicate dance between good days and bad days, and that it’s OK for these two to co-exist. There will be days when things make sense and you’ve accepted the change, there will be days when they don’t, and there’s the in-between days: all are possible, all are OK.
““At the end of the day, this is the right choice for me.”
“It’s painful and I’ll miss them, but it is time to move on.””
Some important notes about relationship grief:
While the stages of grief might seem a simplistic, linear process that we step through and emerge on the other side, single and ready to mingle, in reality it’s a bit more complicated.
Grief is not a one-way street
Grieving the loss of a relationship is rarely a linear process where you experience each and every stage in a particular order. In fact, grieving process is a dynamic and complex experience. Some people jump from one stage to another, some go through them all sequentially. Some people reached the acceptance stage, some people don’t. Some people moved back to denial and sadness after period of acceptance. There’s no “right” way to grieve the loss of a relationship.
The grief stages are a guideline, rather than a prescription
Grieving is unique and highly individual, depending on the nature of your relationship, and won’t necessarily follow a ‘cookie-cutter’ approach. Sometimes the grieving process can be quite disorienting, and it will be difficult to pinpoint which stage you’re in – and that’s fine too. With these stages in mind, you’ll have a better understanding of what grieving can look like and help you prepare for it.
Grieving is not a race
There’s no “deadline” in grieving and, once again, the amount of time needed to grieve will be different from one person to another. We may end up feeling better after a couple of weeks, months, even years down the road, only to feel that pang of sadness when a particular anniversary, celebration, or milestone is looming.
All in all, give yourself the time and space to grieve
Trying to push it away and avoid it may provide a temporary relief, but the long-term consequences may cost us more. By allowing yourself to experience the whole gamut of emotions throughout the grieving process, you are giving yourself the best chance to process the loss and cope with it better. You may choose go through this on your own, with the support of loved ones.
And if you find you’re stuck in relationship grief and want to talk to a professional to help you process your grief, reach out for support. We’re available, so drop us a line.
REFERENCES
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. London, UK: Simon & Schuster UK Ltd.
The New Normal: How life has changed due to COVID-19 (and tips to help you cope)
Life as we know it has changed thanks to COVID-19. Here’s how to adjust to, and even embrace, your New Normal.
The New Normal: How life has changed due to COVID-19 (and tips to help you cope)
One thing that is certain, we know that adjusting to change can be challenging. Be it planned or unplanned, gradual or sudden, change is inevitable and very much part of being human. Over the past few months, we’ve experienced an unprecedented shift in our way of life due to COVID-19. Pre-pandemic, who would’ve thought that toilet paper could become as precious as gold! And now, a trip to do a weekly grocery shop seems like an adventure of its own! Before we know it, we’ve (reluctantly) let go of our old normal and now settling into what seems to be our new normal.
Even when society starts up again, there will still be restrictions and we are facing fundamental shifts to our way of life. So, what does a New Normal look like? Here are some thoughts (and realities) below; with tips on how to adjust to the New Normal to follow.
THE WAY WE LIVE IS DIFFERENT
Masks and gloves may be commonplace, depending on where in the world you live.
Queuing is now the norm, be it when visiting health professionals, going to the shops, or even getting in a lift.
Public transport looks very different, with social distancing in place and commuters wearing masks and gloves.
We do a double-take when we hear someone cough, sneeze, or sniffle. We’ve been conditioned these past few months to be hypervigilant for these symptoms, but hopefully this might also mean that higher standards of hand and personal hygiene will continue.
We’ll start to holiday more in our own backyards due to travel restrictions, which can only be a good thing for local economies as they cope with the decline in overseas and interstate tourist numbers. Wanderlust for overseas exotic locations will also be on the rise, and Instagram will no doubt fuel those desires.
The small things that make up our community have changed. No more sausage sizzles at Bunnings, no community sports, no lingering over brunch with friends at the local cafe, and salons have closed due to the pandemic. We’re hoping our local small businesses - our hairdressers, barbers, cafes, restaurants, health professionals, newsagents, boutiques - make it through the other end (so be sure to support your local small business!)
The larger sporting landscape has also changed. Sporting leagues have paused but are cautiously eyeing a return, and national and international meets are near impossible given travel restrictions. Sport has also been hit particularly hard by coronavirus in the year of the Summer Olympic Games, which have now been postponed to 2021.
THE WAY WE WORK OR STUDY HAS CHANGED
Education as we know it has change. Schools and universities have moved online, some blending face-to-face with online lectures. Universities around the world are feeling the impact from the absence of International Students. Conferences will be paused, and international collaborations and sabbaticals now look very different to previous years.
Work has also change due to social distancing. So many of us shifted to working from home to minimise travelling on public transport and gathering in groups at the office. Zoom meetings even became our New Normal. With restrictions easing, we may cautiously rotate back into working at the office in shifts, or embrace working from home on a more regular basis.
THE WAY WE SOCIALISE AND CONNECT LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT
Social distancing, social distancing, social distancing. No more packing in large crowds when we all have to have a personal bubble of over a metre. We have said goodbye (for now) to attending concerts, plays, movies, festivals, museums, etc., but hopefully they are able to return soon.
Not seeing loved ones…for their benefit. Elderly parents and grandparents, pregnant friends or new parents, or those with health conditions that render them more vulnerable to coronavirus - we’re staying away to keep them safe. In a time when it’s more important than ever to stay connected, this can be particularly challenging for all.
No visits from loved ones from interstate or overseas. With travel restrictions in place and unlikely to lift for the foreseeable future (particularly international travel), families and loved ones are being kept apart and having to make do with online catch ups.
Social greetings have morphed. Gone are the days of greeting friends and extended relatives with handshakes, hugs, and cheek-kisses. Friendly gestures like these are now being curbed, to be replaced by elbow bumps and foot-shakes, or waves from a (social) distance.
The way we ‘dine out’ has changed. Many restaurants and cafes may only be serving takeaways at the moment, but even when they reopen for us to dine-in there will likely be restrictions around how many are able to dine-in, social distancing will be in place, and shared plates may disappear for quite some time.
So how can we ease into this new way of living? Read on for tips to help you adjust to the New Normal.
1. Allow yourself to grieve the “old” normal
It is very human to miss the old ways, and as with any change (at the best of times!) it’s easy to feel a sense of loss.
Throw in a pandemic, along with changes to routines and plans for the weeks and months ahead in 2020, and it’s more important than ever to acknowledge the challenges and difficulties that we face in light of COVID-19.
Yes, there will be denial, anger, maybe even depression and acceptance, as we pivot and adjust to our new normal (whatever form it may take). But it’s important to give yourself time to grieve what you have lost.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to grieve, there will be more space to start embracing your New Normal.
2. Create a new routine
Having a routine can help create some sense of normalcy during time of chaos, so get creative so that you can continue on in some way:
No longer able to go to the gym? Go online with home-based programs that can be done with little or no equipment.
Missing your ritual of a morning coffee to kick off a work day? Make your own at home (latte art optional), and be sure to enjoy it mindfully before checking your emails.
Unable to have regular brunch catch ups at your local with friends? Order takeaway and connect via Zoom.
Above all, be flexible when it comes to finding your new routine…let’s remember that these are challenging times!
3. Journal your experience
Writing about your experience – be it your thoughts, feelings, what you’ve done, anything! – can be quite therapeutic and a great chronicle to look back on long after COVID-19 has passed.
Whilst a default during these times may be to focus on the coronavirus chaos, don’t forget to record things that makes you feel better by taking a gratitude approach (see the prompts in Point 1 in this article).
4. Create a space inside your space
With much of your life now happening between four walls, having a designated space at home to work or study (or to journal!) can help maintain boundaries between work and play.
Take it one step further and dress to get into the right frame of mind…it can be challenging to whip up the motivation to meet a deadline when you’re in your pyjamas the entire day.
5. Stay connected in new ways
Social distancing does not mean social disconnecting (even if it feels easier to hibernate until this is all over). In the new normal you can still connect with family and friends - just in different ways!
It does take a bit of creativity though, when we can’t do a lot of the things that we previously did, so if you’re looking for ways to make social connections happen in your New Normal we’ve got a great article here on how to stay connected in time of pandemic both online and offline.
6. Create and find pockets of joy
The New Normal can be challenging at times, so celebrate anything that puts a smile on your face, large or small. Made a nice cup of tea this morning? Great! Walked your dog today? Awesome! Saw a funny meme on social media? Go ahead and chuckle!
We don’t always need “major” events to happen to make us feel happy (for example, winning the lottery). Smaller moments of joy all add up! If you’re finding you’re focusing on negatives, why not look at how Positive Psychology can help you find the feel good factor during these challenging times?
7. Give yourself a break
You are allowed to take things one moment at a time! We may not know what the next minute, or even the next hour, will bring.
Set yourself a realistic goal and allow yourself to adjust it when you need to. Remind yourself that we’re currently living in extraordinary times, so give yourself some grace during moments like these:
With everyone at home now it may be more difficult to keep the house tidy, so adjusting expectations about housekeeping may be more helpful rather than stressing out about having to clean every minute.
Between working from home, homeschooling the kids, and doing continuous food preparation throughout the day, there may be days when you have no energy left to cook dinner. So consider ordering takeaway (and support your local café or restaurant!) or reheating some frozen food. Now is the time to be human and to ask for help.
8. Stay informed but not alarmed
As we adjust to our New Normal, it’s helpful to keep an eye on the news due to the changing COVID-19 landscape and the ongoing updates regarding what you are and aren’t allowed to do.
However, tuning in to every single development can easily become overwhelming. To stay informed but not alarmed, try the following:
Get your information from reputable sources rather than from opinions on social media where people are venting and voicing their concerns (which can then increase your own distress).
Place greater emphasis on developments locally rather than globally when estimating your risk of contracting COVID-19. This helps you to be appropriately concerned rather than get caught up in anxiety.
If anxiety about COVID-19 is spinning out of control, grab our tip sheet on Coping with Coronavirus Anxiety: 7 tips to help manage distress (below)
Last but not least be gentle and be kind to yourself (see Point 2 in this article) . Give yourself the space and time to grieve, to celebrate, and to feel every emotion in between, during this challenging time. We are living in a situation that never happened before (at least in our lifetime), and it is impacting each and every one of us in a unique way.
And if you find it difficult to adjust to your New Normal, it’s never too early or too late to reach out for support. We’re available, so drop us a line.
Looking to build up your resilience and wellbeing reserves? Meet your new best friend PERMA, the key 5 ingredients from positive psychology for better resilience and wellbeing.