PERMA: The Ingredients for Resilience + Wellbeing
Looking to build up your resilience and wellbeing reserves? Meet your new best friend PERMA, the key 5 ingredients from positive psychology for better resilience and wellbeing.
PERMA: The ingredients for resilience + wellbeing
What enables some people to bounce back from challenges while others crumble in a crisis? Well Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, studied resilience and wellbeing to answer this very question. In doing so, Seligman developed the PERMA Model, which contains five factors to help you build resilience and wellbeing - Positive emotions, Engagement, (positive) Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. [1]Positive psychology shifts traditional ideas of psychology from working on fixing what is 'wrong', to focusing on what works, on strengths, on skills, and on enhancing the positives. Positive psychology has a lot to teach us about how to achieve and maintain long-term wellbeing.
Let’s look at each element of the PERMA model.
POSITIVE EMOTIONS
Positive emotions like happiness have an obvious connection to wellbeing. When we feel positive emotions we perform better, we respond more helpfully in our relationships, and we are more willing to hope for the best future, and to take risks to achieve that future.
How do we bring about positive emotions? The short answer is to do the things that make you happy. Fill your life with the things that make you smile – food, friends that build you up rather than drag you down, music, gardening, movies, exercise. Whatever it is that makes you feel good. Things like gratitude diaries are also great ways to train your mind towards the positive.
ENGAGEMENT
Have you ever had a time when you were enjoying what you were doing so much so that you were completely absorbed by it? So on a roll writing a report or assignment that an hour slipped by unnoticed? So enthralled with that Game of Thrones episode that you didn’t hear your partner calling your name? So blissed out during yoga that the past and the future just fell away and you felt completely in the present?
Psychologists call that experience “flow” - a state of being fully engaged with a task and, according to Seligman, engagement is one of the five crucial building blocks of wellbeing. We all achieve flow doing different things – sport for some, music for others, a hobby or a work project. Figure out what in your life gives you a sense of engagement.
(positive) RELATIONSHIPS
Humans are built to belong. We need connection, intimacy, and emotional and physical contact with others.
An integral part of overall wellbeing, therefore, is our relationships. We struggle with our wellbeing when our relationships are destructive, draining, one-sided, or we are just isolated. However if your relationships make you feel supported, included, understood and cared for, you have set yourself up for a lifetime of wellbeing.
Be conscious of building your relationships and you will be working not just on relationships but on overall life satisfaction.
MEANING
Seeing and working towards a meaning that is bigger and more important than just your own happiness is also important.
Having a purpose to your life brings satisfaction, even if working towards that purpose does not directly bring positive emotion, flow, or any of the other building blocks of wellbeing. This might be a religious faith, a political agenda, community work or perhaps charity work. Being with like-minded people working towards a common goal that you really believe in brings significance to your life.
ACCOMPLISHMENT
The final building block that allows humans to flourish is accomplishment, or a sense of mastery over something. Gaining mastery over something is important for its own sake, even if the accomplishment is not linked to any of the other building blocks of wellbeing.
Ever wonder why you keep doing Sudoku, even though it has no real world application? Why you are driven to get to the next level of Candy Crush Saga, or why you keep building that Lego construction even after your kid has drifted onto another activity? It’s important to know that we can do something well, that we can set a goal and reach it, and enjoy that feeling of success.
THE BOTTOM LINE?
People who adopt and live by these five concepts have been shown to do better at university, excel even after setbacks in sports, are less likely to experience depression or post traumatic stress, and even have a lower risk of premature death[2].
So stop and think. How can you apply the PERMA model to your own life? By being consistent in filling your life with positive emotions, engagement, good relationships, meaning and accomplishment you set yourself up to weather the storms in life more readily, and enjoy the blessings in life more fully.
If you’d like a tailored approach to building up your resilience and wellbeing reserves, why not contact us to make an appointment and get started?
Breaking up is hard to do: Stages of relationship grief
We can enter a grieving process following the loss of someone who has been part of your daily life. Read on to learn more about the stages of relationship grief.
Breaking up is hard to do: Stages of relationship grief
It’s over. The relationship has ended, you’re no longer together, and it feels like you’re living in struggle street. You’ve been moping around the house for some time, diving into tubs of ice cream, and asking yourself who you are now that you are a ‘party of one’. Even if the breakup was acrimonious, at one point in time there were happy memories, and for a while your identity was in part shaped by your relationship. So why is breaking up so hard to do? Essentially you are stepping through a grief process, mourning the loss of the relationship, routine, and even identity. All of these are significant and meaningful life moments.
Stages of relationship grief
When understanding relationship grief, it’s helpful to draw on the work of American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, whose work with terminally ill individuals led to her developing the 5 stages of grief and loss. These stages have universal application to other moments of loss in all our lives, including the loss of life, loss of a job, receiving a significant health diagnosis, pregnancy loss, migration, or even changes brought upon by a global pandemic. Kubler-Ross’s stages can help us understand the complex journey of grieving and loss. With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at these five stages.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is usually our first response and it serves to protect us from the unfolding events. Numbness and shock (particularly when the end of the relationship was unexpected) help us to cope (initially) and survive at that moment in time, shielding us so we only take on what we can handle. Thoughts we may have at this point in time include:
Stage 2: Anger
Usually, anger may mask different emotions and pain behind it. Your anger may be aimed at those who were directly related to the loss: the loved one who passed away, the partner who ended the relationship. Anger may provide temporary boundaries and strength: now you have something/someone to aim your anger towards. You have a “mission” and you feel like you’re able to do something with your anger, and it can feel empowering to feel in control. It’s important to note that the anger is not always present itself in forms of wrath and rage. It can also manifest into feeling resentful and bitter about things.
Stage 3: Bargaining
The bargaining stage is typically characterised by “What if” and “If only” statements. We are motivated to bargain anything just for the chance to travel back in time to remedy the loss. We may feel lost, vulnerable, guilty, or ashamed following the break up, and in these situations it is very human to look for ways to take control of the situation by bargaining. Just like anger, it gives us a feeling of control when we try to strike a deal – either with ourselves, with a higher power (e.g., God), with the pain itself, and/or with others.
Stage 4: Depression
Once we’ve stepped away from bargaining, we may start to experience depressive feelings (intense sadness, feeling empty, feeling heavy, overwhelmed, and/or confused) as we become more aware of our present situation. The depressive feelings in the grief process is a natural and common response following a loss, and not automatically a symptom of a mental health disorder. If you suspect that your relationship grief is tipping into depression, take a look at this article.
It is also normal if you prefer solitude to process your loss during this stage. The depression is where our grief goes even deeper than the previous stages, and perhaps one of the strong feelings that we’ve been trying to deny, mask with anger, and/or control through bargaining. We might find ourselves having thoughts that highlight our helplessness and hopelessness:
Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance does not necessarily mean that you’re “OK” with the end of the relationship, nor does it mean that you’ve completely moved on from the grief. It’s important to know that some people never feel completely “OK” about the end of a relationship.
Acceptance means that we have accepted the reality of the loss and that this is what is left with. This is what our new normal looks like from now on, and it is a new normal that we need to learn to live with it (in much the same way as we adjusted to a New Normal in coronavirus times). We may feel the urge to resist the new normal, hoping that we could get back to the previous life before the loss happened. Gradually, the resistance started to chip away and we begin to accept the new reality one bit at a time.
Acceptance also means having a delicate dance between good days and bad days, and that it’s OK for these two to co-exist. There will be days when things make sense and you’ve accepted the change, there will be days when they don’t, and there’s the in-between days: all are possible, all are OK.
Some important notes about relationship grief:
While the stages of grief might seem a simplistic, linear process that we step through and emerge on the other side, single and ready to mingle, in reality it’s a bit more complicated.
Grief is not a one-way street
Grieving the loss of a relationship is rarely a linear process where you experience each and every stage in a particular order. In fact, grieving process is a dynamic and complex experience. Some people jump from one stage to another, some go through them all sequentially. Some people reached the acceptance stage, some people don’t. Some people moved back to denial and sadness after period of acceptance. There’s no “right” way to grieve the loss of a relationship.
The grief stages are a guideline, rather than a prescription
Grieving is unique and highly individual, depending on the nature of your relationship, and won’t necessarily follow a ‘cookie-cutter’ approach. Sometimes the grieving process can be quite disorienting, and it will be difficult to pinpoint which stage you’re in – and that’s fine too. With these stages in mind, you’ll have a better understanding of what grieving can look like and help you prepare for it.
Grieving is not a race
There’s no “deadline” in grieving and, once again, the amount of time needed to grieve will be different from one person to another. We may end up feeling better after a couple of weeks, months, even years down the road, only to feel that pang of sadness when a particular anniversary, celebration, or milestone is looming.
All in all, give yourself the time and space to grieve
Trying to push it away and avoid it may provide a temporary relief, but the long-term consequences may cost us more. By allowing yourself to experience the whole gamut of emotions throughout the grieving process, you are giving yourself the best chance to process the loss and cope with it better. You may choose go through this on your own, with the support of loved ones.
And if you find you’re stuck in relationship grief and want to talk to a professional to help you process your grief, reach out for support. We’re available, so drop us a line.
REFERENCES
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. London, UK: Simon & Schuster UK Ltd.
How to build better relationships
There’s always room for improvement when it comes to successful and loving connections with your partner or spouse. Read on to see our 4 top tips for building better romantic relationships.
4 tips to build better relationships
What does it take to live a healthier and happier life? It turns out, surprisingly, that it’s positive relationships that are central to health and wellbeing - particularly during challenging times. [1] Healthy relationships (of all sorts) benefit us not only through influencing our health choices but also by buffering against times of stress through social support. [2][3][4][5] But in our stressful modern-day lives, maintaining face-to-face relationships can be a challenge. Today we’re focusing on romantic relationships, as while these are important we sometimes treat them as an afterthought. Read on for our 4 tips to build a better relationship with your partner.
TIP 1: Be present, not just physically there
Does this scene sound familiar? Couples out for dinner or brunching on the weekend, sitting together yet not connecting. They may be Instagramming photos of their food, messaging friends, or simply just distracted, and there’s little conversation happening. Sure, they’re physically there, but are they actually present?
Yes, life gets busy, and the temptation can be to 'get ahead' by checking devices, mentally rehearsing the mental To Do list, or multitasking. The problem is that when we're distracted we miss the opportunity to connect with our loved ones. And it shows – just as when you can tell if your partner has tuned out of your conversation, so too your partner can tell the same of you.
So, choose a time – be it breakfast on the weekend, half an hour at the end of each day - to really be present. And, wherever you are, be there wholeheartedly. Turn off your devices, keep your attention fully on your partner, and try to live in the moment.
TIP 2: Share
It's easy to fall into defined roles in romantic relationships – the Talker versus the Listener, the Giver versus the Taker. Relationships can end up quite one-sided. Sure, it may seemingly work, however the benefits of good relationship can’t be gained from sitting on the sidelines.
Research has shown that personal self-disclosure is important for maintaining good relationships [1]. So that means not just being a good listener but being willing to be listened to as well, and being okay to take when you generally feel more comfortable giving. Share the good, the bad and the ugly with your partner.
TIP 3: Invest
Modern life can be busy and stressful, filled with deadlines to meet, appointments to attend, family and friends to keep in touch with, household chores to take care of, and so on. Along the line, relationships can fall by the wayside as our attention gets diverted to things that are more immediate and pressing. Amongst all of this busy scheduling and putting out of fires, we seem to think our relationships will just tick along without us having to actively work at it!
However, let’s let in a healthy dose of realism. When have things just ticked along without any effort on our part? Our productivity, our health, and our wellbeing all require work, so why would relationships be any different? So, be deliberate in investing your time and effort when it comes to your romantic relationship. Make phone calls or send a quick message to show your partner that you care. Plan dates. Be available. Follow up on conversations. Recognise that what you’re doing will be worth the effort.
TIP 4: Play
Building better relationships for better health is serious business, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be too serious. If you want to build a better relationship, then start by being fun to be around. Get out of your comfort zone and try new things, take up a hobby.
Play time can also help you to destress and feel more relaxed and, in turn, less reactive when it comes to interacting with your partner. So, schedule some leisure time into your week, where your only aim is to rest, relax and have some fun. Your relationship will thank you for it.
With these four easy tips you can get on the path to a better relationship this week. If you find there's conflict and tension in your relationships why not check out our Resource Library Tip Sheet on How to get unstuck from conflict in relationships? Written by our clinical psychologist Annie Malcolm, here’s a sneak peek below, and you can sign up for it (and access to all of our other Tip Sheets on wellbeing, mental health, and performance in our Resource Library).
Want more? You can connect with The Skill Collective in the following ways:
Contact us to make an individual appointment to get started on making changes.
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REFERENCES
[1] Simon, R. (2002). Revisiting the Relationships among Gender, Marital Status, and Mental Health. American Journal of Sociology, 107, 1065-1096
[2] Holt-Lunstad, J., Birmingham, W. & Jones, B.Q. (2008). Is there Something Unique about Marriage? The Relative Impact of Marital Status, Relationship Quality, and Network Social Support on Ambulatory Blood Pressure and Mental Health. Annals of Behavioural Medicine, 35, 239-244.
[3] Braithwaite, S., Delevi, R, Finchanm, F. (2010). Romantic relationships and the physical and mental health of college students. Personal Relationships, 17, 1–12.
[4] Overbeek, G, Stattin, H. (2007). Parent-Child relationships, partner relationships and emotional adjustment: a birth to maturity prospective study. Developmental Psychology, 43, 429-437
[5] Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T.B., Layton, J.B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A meta-analytic review Published: July 27, (2010). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
[6] Jackson, T., Soderlind, A. & Weiss, K. E. (2000). Personality traits and quality of relationships as predictors of future loneliness among American college students. Social Behavior and Personality: An international journal, 28, 463-470.
How can you counter the winter blues? Check out our tips on how to boost your wellbeing during the colder months.