coping with parental burnout
By Emily McGurk and Joyce Chong
Conversations around burnout as a workplace phenomenon has exploded in recent years, but there is a growing body of literature identifying that burnout occurs not only at work, but also in other roles paid or unpaid) in which meaningful activity creates a stress response – students (academic burnout), volunteers, caregiver, and also parents.[1][2][3] Today we’re focusing on parental burnout which we are increasingly seeing in our clinical work, along with its impact on the parent-child relationship and general self-esteem. At a glance, it’s easy to see how the role of parenting leads to burnout – long hours, multiple requirements, little job control, and so on, it’s easy to see how parenting can lead to burnout. In this article we explore what parental burnout is, its impact on the parenting style and parent-child relationships, signs of parental burnout, and tips to bounce back from parenting-induced burnout.
“A survey of 17,000+ parents from 42 countries found higher rates (5-8%) of parental burnout in individualistic cultures (commonly Western countries) than in collectivist cultures [4]”
What is parental burnout? How does it differ from ‘regular burnout’?
Traditionally, the concept of burnout was coined to describe the outcome of prolonged and untreated workplace stress and identified three dimensions: emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing (e.g. reduced empathy interacting with clients/colleagues), and reduced efficacy. [1][5]
Research into parental burnout has borrowed from job burnout research, but also identified unique components in parental burnout - Parental exhaustion (emotional and physical), Disconnection from children (emotional distancing), Contrast to your previous parenting self (loss of parental efficacy), and feeling Fed up of the parental role: [6][7] Let’s take a closer look at each of these components:
Parental exhaustion
We get it – the parenting role can seem draining. Long hours on-call, a high mental load (organising appointments and schedules, anticipating as well as reacting to their needs), and never-ending multitasking can make for a challenging role. Throw in sleep deprivation or difficult parent-child interactions, and it’s a recipe for exhaustion.
It’s further been suggested that the type of parental exhaustion experienced may differ depending on the age of the child, with physical exhaustion more common in parents with young children, and emotional exhaustion more common with adolescents or teens due to higher levels of conflict. [8]
Emotional distancing/cynicism from the parenting role
When burnout occurs at work, employees can start to detach from the job and their clients. However, when it comes to parenting, the same detachment takes on a different form. It appears that exhausted parents disengage emotionally from their child [4][6][7][8] by:
Seeking out the child less, thus leading to fewer interactions.
Parents ending interactions earlier, speaking and asking less, and interacting with less enthusiasm and care.
These all have implications for the parent-child bond.
Contrast with previous parental self (Loss of parental efficacy)
“I’m not the parent I used to be” is a great way to summarise this component to parental burnout. [7] You may have an idea as to how you should parent, and your previous parental self may have been able to achieve it, however when parental burnout sets in it affects your ability to show up as the parent that you wish to be. Contrast with previous parental self can trigger feelings of shame and guilt.
Feeling fed up
Finally, feeling fed up is a component of parental burnout where one tires of ‘doing’ the parenting [3][4][6][9] .
The role can feel never-ending, the rewards can seem to pale in comparison to the effort that you put in, and you feel like a shadow of your former self. Resentment can quickly build up.
Together, these can lead to reduced fulfilment in the parenting role, poorer quality of parent-child interactions, with both impacting on the parent-child relationship. At its extreme, these factors – particularly emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing plus feeling fed up – are have been linked to parental neglect and even violence [9]
WHAT Causes PARENTAL BURNOUT?
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It requires a shift of focus from prioritising your own needs to focusing on meeting the needs of your dependent children. However, parenting doesn’t exist in a vacuum and there are other demands on parents – other caregiver roles, work, studies, life admin, running a household, and so on. Let’s take a closer look at what it takes to raise children and how this contributes to parental burnout.
Raising children – the tasks
Children have physical needs that need to be met for their development – security (including shelter), education, nutrition, sleep, and adequate health care.
Emotionally, children’s needs include the need to feel safe, loved, and belong. To help them become independent and realise their potential (that is, become self-actualised), they need to be supported to explore and develop their thoughts, choices, likes/dislikes and ideas [10]
To meet these needs, parents consider their children’s schooling, extra-curricular activities (sport, music, playdates, languages, arts, and so on), health support requirements, amongst many factors.
The parental background to raising children
Raising children doesn’t exist in a vacuum – to help children become independent and realise their potential, parents need the finances and time to provide for children’s needs, as well as the parenting skills to support and nurture their children.
However, for modern-day parents, there are some clear pressure points that contribute to parental burnout. [11][12] These pressure points can be external or internal:
EXTERNAL factors in parental burnout
A busy schedule (extracurricular activities, sport, medical appointments) leading to a high mental load
Children’s differing ages and developmental stages.
Children’s physical health and mental health needs (acute or chronic)
Balancing kids with looking after older parents
Work-family conflict (whether paid work or volunteer work)
Coparenting disagreement
Limited support in the parenting role (e.g. single parent, living away from usual supports)
The family’s level of disorganisation
Internal Factors in parental burnout
Managing parental temperament vs child temperament
Parental perfectionism leading to a disparity in expectations between ideal and real parent
Wanting to give your children the best opportunities/experiences and not let them miss out
Difficulties saying no/setting boundaries
Your own medical or mental health needs that affect your capacity to parent
Parenting skills and emotional insight
Own upbringing and the desire to overcome your own childhood unmet needs
HOW DOES YOUR CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE AFFECT PARENTAL BURNOUT?
As children we all have core needs, including emotional needs – secure attachments, a sense of identity, freedom to express needs and emotions, spontaneity and play, as well as limits and self control [10]. Having our emotional needs met meant that we can recognise our potential as adults.
For those of us who had our needs met, the way in which we were parented sets up a template for how we would like to parent. However, for those whose needs were unmet, this can form an explicit desire for how NOT to parent, or we may end up perpetuating negative parenting experiences we experienced as children, and lead to the development of what is known in schema therapy as early maladaptive schemas (EMS)
EMS are core ways of seeing ourselves and the world. When we become parents, EMS then influence how we parent. Five broad domains of early maladaptive schemas have been identified [10]
Individuals who grew up with disconnected and detached parents may feel emotionally deprived or even a sense of defectiveness at rejection.
A lack of parental limits as a child can lead to a lack of self-discipline, including a sense of entitlement and difficulties with self-control.
Children who grow up in an environment where love and attention were conditional may find themselves in self-sacrificing and approval-seeking patterns, believing that others needs are a priority.
Growing up in perfectionistic and critical environments can lead to developing unrelenting standards for themselves and others, leading to perfectionism and punitiveness.
Experiencing overprotectiveness or overintrusiveness when growing up can lead to a lack of sense of self and lack of independence, which can lead to a sense of failure, dependence, or developing an enmeshed relationship with others.
Early maladaptive schemas that we developed as children have a profound impact on how we parent - we may perpetuate what we're used to, or we may go on the attach to undo what we experienced. In turn, our parenting style can then shape the schemas our children develop, with resulting impact on their mental health. Indeed, EMSs have been associated with personality disorders, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, OCD, and PTSD [13]
How might these internal and external factors combine to create parental burnout? Some examples include:
Holly felt disconnected from her parents as a child and learned to keep a tight rein on her emotions and to be emotionally self-sufficient. When she became a parent she wanted to right the ‘wrongs’ of her own childhood and made it her mission that her children would feel happy and loved at all times, and that they would have an unbreakable bond. However, her son is a storm of emotions, and Holly feels overwhelmed by his outbursts and her inability to fix his problems. She keeps researching online and tuning in to podcasts to uncover what to do to help her son and feels burnt out by the never-ending process.
Matt grew up in a perfectionistic and critical environment, yet thrived as he was extremely outgoing and sporty which helped him to step into unfamiliar situations. This approach has served him well and led to success in high pressure environments at work He expected that his son would be just like him, however his young son clings to him and is not willing to engage with activities. Matt is frustrated that his son won’t respond to his coaching to do better and is exhausted by the constant fighting with his partner to take a ‘softer’ approach. His expectations of his son and his style of supporting his son are creating conflict for him and leading to burnout.
Nivvy was her parents’ princess - she was indulged by them and everything came easily to her - academically, socially, and professionally. As an adult, Nivvy was in control at work, maintained an immaculate house, and was always supported by her family and friends. When Nivvy started her much awaited family it became her primary focus, yet 10 months into parenthood she missed her pre-baby life. Nivvy feels trapped in the daily grind, out of control, like a failure - her days revolve around washing, cooking, and cleaning but this cycle is never-ending. She is frustrated that others aren’t willing to take over the mundane tasks and instead tell her that this is part of being a parent. She doesn’t understand how she can love a role so much yet resent it at the same time.
Sarah’s family struggled financially and as a result she missed out on catch ups with friends and having the newest things as a result. Because of this, Sarah often felt disconnected and ‘less than’ her friends. Sarah was determined that her children would always be included (playdates, sport, music) and had everything (toys, gadgets, nice clothes, regular holidays). To afford her children’s lifestyle she works extremely hard, and in the end feels exhausted and confused as to why her children are cranky and ungrateful…despite ‘doing it all’ she doesn’t feel present for any of it.
A path out of parental burnout - tips to cope
Importantly, parental burnout isn’t something that you have to tolerate and endure just because other parents are in the same boat. Step back and reflect on where you are currently in your parenting journey, where you would like to be as a parent, and what type of parent-child relationship you wish to nurture. Work with a psychologist (like Emily!) to step through a path to reduce parental burnout:
1. Work with a psychologist. The cause of parental burnout is nuanced and multi-layered - each parent’s early experiences (and schemas!) is different. Each parent also faces different external factors that drive burnout - some parents have multiple children with busy schedules, some have children with complex health needs, some lack support. Work with a psychologist to help you to untangle the many layers that have led you down the path to parental burnout, and find a way forward.
An additional benefit of having periodic check-ins with a psychologist is that they are also trained to identify emerging mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, burnout, problematic alcohol use and can work with you to build skills to improve coping.
2. Understand your identity. Whether you like it or not, your childhood journey influences those parenting triggers that push you towards parental burnout. Unmet needs that you experienced as a child shape how you wish to parent. By exploring your identity, early maladaptive schemas, and needs, you can better understand your triggers for parental overwhelm, and put a plan in place to parent in a more deliberate way.
3. Make a mindset shift. To combat parental burnout a mindset shift is a must. It helps to explore your expectations and thoughts - regarding how you should parent, what your parent-child relationship should look like, what your parenting experience should feel like, and whether you can practice self-compassion when faced with parenting setbacks. By shifting these mindset challenges you can bounce back better from parental burnout. A good starting point is to recognise that you can love your children whilst experiencing frustration regarding parenting, or grieving a loss of your independence.
4. Nurture yourself for sustainable parenting. A stressed out, burnt out parent does not parent well and affects emotion regulation and clarity of thought. Give yourself the space to be an involved parent by thinking sustainably. Importantly, nurture yourself through self-care and setting boundaries, and aim for a style of parenting that you can maintain.
5. Be present and deliberate to improve your parent-child connection. Good-enough parenting is about tuning in mindfully to your children’s needs, your own present needs, rather than stick to achieving what you believe parenting ‘should’ look like.
REFERENCES
[1] Pines, A., and Aronson, E. (1988). Career Burnout: Causes and Cures. New York, NY: Free Press.
[2] Bianchi, R., Truchot, D., Laurent, E., Brisson, R., and Schonfeld, I. S. (2014). Is burnout solely job-related? A critical comment. Scand. J. Psychol. 55, 357–361. doi: 10.1111/sjop.12119
[3] Roskam I, Brianda M-E and Mikolajczak M. (2018). A Step Forward in the Conceptualization and Measurement of Parental Burnout: The Parental Burnout Assessment (PBA). Frontiers in Psychology, 9:758. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00758
[4] Roskam, I., Aguiar, J., Akgun, E., Arikan, G., Artavia, M., Avalosse, H., Aunola, K., Bader, M., Bahati, C., Barham, E. J., Besson, E., Beyers, W., Boujut, E., Brianda, M. E., Brytek-Matera, A., Carbonneau, N., César, F., Chen, B. B., Dorard, G., Dos Santos Elias, L. C., … Mikolajczak, M. (2021). Parental Burnout Around the Globe: a 42-Country Study. Affective science, 2, 58–79. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-020-00028-4
[5] Maslach, C., Shaufeli, W.B., & Leiter, M.P. (2001). Job burnout. Annual review of psychology, 52, 397-422. Doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.52.1.397
[6] Roskam, I., Raes, M.-E., and Mikolajczak, M. (2017). Exhausted parents: development and preliminary validation of the parental burnout inventory. Front. Psychol. 8:163. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00163
[7] Roskam, I., Philippot, P., Gallée, L., Verhofstadt, L., Soenens, B., Goodman, A., & Mikolajczak, M. (2021). I am not the parent I should be: Cross-sectional and prospective associations between parental self-discrepancies and parental burnout. Self and Identity, 21(4), 430–455. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2021.1939773
[8] Abramson, A. (2021; October 1). The impact of parental burnout: What psychological research suggests about how to recognize it and overcome it. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/cover-parental-burnout
[9] Kalkan, R.B., Blanchard, M.A. & Mikolajczak, M., Roskam, I., & Heeren, A. (2022). Emotional exhaustion and feeling fed up as the driving forces of parental burnout and its consequences on children: insights from a network approach. Current Psychology. 42, 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03311-8
[10] The Attachment Project (2024, April 10). The ultimate guide to early maldaptive schemas. The Attachment Project, https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/early-maladaptive-schemas/
[11] Ren, X., Cai, Y., Wang, J., & Chen, O. (2024). A systematic review of parental burnout and related factors among parents. BMC public health, 24, 376. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-024-17829-y
[12] Mikolajczak, M., Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., & Roskam, I. (2023). 15 Years of Parental Burnout Research: Systematic Review and Agenda. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32, 276-283. https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214221142777
[13] Sójta, K., & Strzelecki, D. (2023). Early Maladaptive Schemas and Their Impact on Parenting: Do Dysfunctional Schemas Pass Generationally? A Systematic Review. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 12, 1263. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm12041263
As rewarding a role that parenting may be, parental burnout is very real - exhaustion, feeling detached from your children, being less effective as a parent, and feeling fed up with the parenting role. Learn what to do to bounce back and improve your relationship with your children.