Low Self-Esteem: Thoughts + Thinking Styles
Is your self-talk dragging your self-esteem down? Here’s how thoughts and thinking styles leads to low self esteem
WHAT IS LOW SELF-ESTEEM?
by Joyce Chong (updated 1st February 2022)
Many of us may be familiar with the concept of low self-esteem, but what does it really mean? Essentially, it refers to having a less-than-favourable opinion of yourself. Self-esteem can be considered from different angles [1], including:
Your global or trait self-esteem (how you generally feel about yourself across most situations),
Evaluations of yourself in specific domains (for example how you feel about your performance at work versus how you feel about yourselves as a worthy partner or even your level of body-confidence),
Your self-worth in response to events.
The messages that you hear over the years - from a young age via parents, teachers, other students at school, colleagues, partners - all serve to shape your self-esteem. Some of these messages may then be internalised, and form your internal dialogue, talking at you even when you don’t want them to. This unhelpful self-talk can be ever-present, or sit in the background until a setback (e.g. negative performance review, perceived criticism) causes it to flare up again.
WHAT IS THE IMPACT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM?
Low self-esteem has a really long reach, affecting linked with many of the issues that we see in our work as psychologists. Consider how it presents in the following circumstances:
Social anxiety + low self-esteem
When you feel bad about yourself, any situation in which you may potentially be evaluated can cause significant anxiety. This can lead to avoidance of parties, gatherings, tests, classes, meetings - the list of situations seems endless. In turn, this can lead to loneliness - even if you wish to form a connection your anxiety stops you from relating to others in a genuine manner as all you can think about is what they think of you.
PERFECTIONISM + LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Feelings of inadequacy can push you to adopt a perfectionistic coping style as you try to be ‘good enough’ so that you appear faultless. This can manifest in different ways, for example:
Spending an excessive amount of time working on an assignment until it seems ‘good enough’.
Catering for a function to such a high standard so that others will form a favourable impression of you.
Acting in ways that others will be in awe of your achievements.
Unfortunately this type of coping can easily lead to burnout as you attempt to prove yourself worthy.
DEPRESSION + LOW SELF-ESTEEM
It can be hard to see a positive future when you don’t feel good about yourself. You may find yourself holding back, not attempting things that you think won’t turn out in your favour, then feel bad about your situation. Low self-esteem can really affect your quality of life because of these constraints, and in turn, your mood.
BODY IMAGE, EATING DISORDERS + LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem can be determined by a range of factors, but for some, an overemphasis may be placed on body weight and shape. Where there is a drive for thinness, and the belief that losing weight is linked to feeling good, body image issues and even eating disorders may arise. Learn more about the link between low self-esteem, body image, and eating disorders here.
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMs, ASSERTIVENESS + LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem can lead to issues within your relationship including problems asserting yourself because you don’t believe in your own rights. You may doubt your wishes, assume that you are incorrect, and find it hard to cope in situations of conflict.
WHAT DO THOUGHTS AND THINKING STYLE HAVE TO DO WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM?
Individuals with low self-esteem often hold the core belief of “I’m not good enough”. In the various areas of their lives these thoughts may take on a slightly different form, for example:
In relationships and friendships, low self-esteem may lead you to think that you aren’t important enough or special enough to deserve your partner or friends, or that you will lose loved ones if they knew the real you. As a result, you may hide your true self, instead moulding your personality and taste to suit others.
At work you may worry that you’re not clever enough or good enough at your work if passed over for a promotion. Or, you may worry that you’re not smart enough or talented enough in comparison to others. These may then create a relentless pursuit of achievement, leading burnout.
Thinking styles help reinforce the ‘not good enough’ thoughts found in low self-esteem[2]. Some time ago we blogged about Thinking Styles that sabotage mental health here. Let’s take a closer look at how these may apply to you when it comes to low self-esteem.
NEGATIVE FILTER Any small negative outcome affects your view of entire events - you may focus on a small slip up even though the rest of the presentation went extremely well.
DISCOUNTING THE POSITIVES Here, anything that you did well in fails to shift your opinion of yourself. So, if you did well on a project you brush it off as something anyone else could’ve done, or if someone compliments you it’s seen as them taking pity on you. In fact, discounting the positives is commonly seen in Imposter Syndrome.
EMOTIONAL REASONING When you feel down about yourself you treat these feelings as facts. For example if you feel inadequate in response to some feedback on a report you wrote, you may interpret this as evidence that you’re a failure.
PERSONALISATION You automatically assume things are your fault and discount the contribution of external factors, or you shoulder far more responsibility for outcomes than is justified. So, while you may have had a disagreement with a friend, you assume that it is entirely your fault, and ignore how their role in the disagreement.
SHOULDS + MUSTS By setting rigid standards for yourself with little wiggle room, you set yourself up to fail or feel disappointed. This may take the form of believing you must work in a particular profession, be of a certain weight, dress a particular way, have a certain number of followers, earn a particular income…the list can be endless. Set these standards too high and you set yourself up for likely failure and the inevitable blow to your self-esteem.
LABELLING Here you view your mistakes to be due entirely to stable internal qualities (i.e. it’s you!), without taking into consideration the situation. So, rather than recognising you didn’t do well at soccer because you’re out of practice, you label yourself as clumsy and useless. By telling yourself that the reason why things don’t work out is because of stable, internal qualities, will that give you a sense that change is possible?
MIND READING Assuming that others think the worst of you is something that people with low self-esteem commonly experience. The difficulty is that treating assumptions as facts means you’re not likely to look for evidence that disconfirms your belief.
HOW TO SHIFT UNHELPFUL THINKING STYLES IN LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Sometimes when you hold a mirror up to yourself it can be daunting to see how entrenched your thoughts and thinking styles are. The challenge of changing these entrenched thoughts and thinking styles can also be quite daunting. Let's break it down by looking at three lines of questioning to get you started:
Where did the messages come from? What was your earliest recollection of feeling this way about yourself? Do these messages still apply in your life today?
Have there been any examples, however small, that contradict how you see yourself? For example, if you believe that you're a terrible student, cast your mind back - have you ever received positive feedback?
What thinking styles are at play? Are you reinforcing your negative self-view by tuning out positives? Are your unrealistic expectations setting you up to feel bad about yourself? Are you assuming what others think of you to be true without stopping to check if your thoughts are accurate?
Make a start on changing how you see yourself using the above questions. If you’re after a more tailored approach and would like to make an appointment (in Perth or via telehealth) feel free to contact us.
REFERENCES
[1] Brown, J.D., Dutton, K.A., & Cook, K.E. (2001). From the top down: Self-esteem and self-evaluation. Cognition and emotion, 15, 615-631.
[2] Edelman, S. (2003). Change your thinking. ABC Books.
Caught in the Perfectionism-Procrastination loop?
Is perfectionism driving you to procrastinate? It may seem counterintuitive, but unrealistic standards and a fear of failure can often lead to procrastination. Read on to learn more…
Caught in the Perfectionism-Procrastination Loop?
By Olivia Kingsley
Perfectionism is often viewed as a positive quality – after all, who wouldn’t want to be perfect? High achievers meet their goals, and this can lead to feeling accomplished. However, the dark side of perfectionism, Clinical Perfectionism, can actually harm our wellbeing, mental health, and performance. Clinical Perfectionism involves placing immense pressure on ourselves to meet extremely high (and often unattainable) standards [1], relentlessly striving for these standards, and basing our self-esteem based on the ability to achieve these standards[2]. When we (inevitably) fall short of meeting these standards, we experience negative emotions and low self-worth. Rather than helping us attain excellence, Clinical Perfectionism can actually result in a number of self-defeating behaviours, including procrastination [3]. Let’s look at Mia’s situation:
Mia, 22, is a university student who takes her studies very seriously and wants to impress her professors. She holds very high standards for her academic performance and believes that any grade lower than a high distinction is unacceptable. If she receives a grade she considers too low, Mia believes she is a failure and assumes that her professors are disappointed in her. Because of the immense pressure she faces, Mia delays starting assignments because she is terrified of making a mistake when writing the ‘perfect’ paper. This means that Mia starts her assignments at the last minute, which leaves her feeling rushed, guilty, and overwhelmed.
In Mia’s situation, procrastination has nothing to do with being lazy. Rather, her procrastination is directly tied to her fear of not attaining perfection. If this sounds familiar, here are some other signs that perfectionism could be driving procrastination [3]:
The thought of starting a project or assignment is too terrifying because it won’t be good enough.
Excessive amounts of time are spent in the planning phase (the ‘grand vision’), but doing the actual task is put off until the last minute because the output may fall short of the vision.
Actions are heavily driven by emotions, for example avoiding finishing a task until it feels “ just right”, or not starting an assignment because we’re “not in the right frame of mind”.
Easier, less intimidating (and less ego-threatening) tasks are prioritised, taking time away from those tasks that need to be completed.
The challenge, though, is that while procrastination brings short-term relief, it’s later replaced by increased time pressure, feeling even more overwhelmed, and underperformance in general.
what maintains the perfectionism-procrastination loop?
How is this unhelpful perfectionism-procrastination loop maintained? Let’s look to those thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that keep us stuck in this loop.
The way we think
The way perfectionists think can really maintain clinical perfectionism and contribute to procrastination.[3][4]
Perfectionists are often hypervigilant for signs that their performance is not up to scratch. They may be sensitive to signs of negative feedback, or even tune in to their own stress and discomfort when attempting to start a task (and rationalising that this discomfort reflects a lack of ability).
Perfectionists can fall into the trap of unhelpful thinking styles. These thinking styles are often inaccurate but are accepted as reflecting reality. They unhelpful thinking styles serve to increase stress and overwhelm, which can be demotivating. Procrastination is a natural consequence when facing such negative emotions. These kinds of thinking styles include:
All or Nothing Thinking: This particularly relates to the attainment of unrealistically high standards, “If I don’t receive 100% on my test then I am a bad student”. Certainly, attaining these unrealistically high standards is unlikely, thus this way of thinking sets the perfectionist up to experience stress and overwhelm.
Catastrophic Thinking: This involves assuming that one will not be able to cope with negative outcomes, and that even a small mistake will be a disaster. “My reputation would never recover if I said the wrong thing at a work meeting”. When the consequences are blown out of proportion, is it any wonder that procrastinating on taking action seems to be the safer option?
Mind Reading: This involves predicting what other people are thinking, often making assumptions that they are judging you negatively, “My supervisor is so critical and exacting that they will rip my assignment to shreds and think I am utterly incompetent.” This type of thinking can then lead to procrastination when submitting work to be evaluated.
Misguided attributions and rationalisations following the outcome subsequently serve to reinforce the perfectionism-procrastination loop, for example believing that:
Attributing deadline-driven productivity to capability, “I do my best work under pressure!”. In reality, the work is done only because of the imminent deadline. The rest of the time
Rationalising outcomes as an underestimate of true abilities, thus preserving self-esteem, “Wow, look at that mark. Pretty remarkable given I didn’t have much time to do it. Imagine if I actually focused I could’ve done so much better!”
The way we feel
Since perfectionists tend to be highly self-critical, they experience negative emotions when their expectations are (inevitably) not met. The thinking styles described earlier keep perfectionists feeling bad about themselves and reinforce their low self-worth. When a perfectionist is unable to meet their high standards, they may experience feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, guilt, depression, and doubt.
These feelings may be so intense and unbearable that procrastination seems to be the safest and most comfortable option. [4]
The way we behave
Finally, behaviour plays a big role in maintaining the perfectionism underpinning procrastination. In the article Anxiety on Campus: What Students Need to Know about Managing Anxiety, our Fight or Flight response kicks in when we face a threat (as is the case of a task we see as challenging and demanding perfection). Procrastination is an excellent example of the Flight response, where we seek to avoid the threat of failure and the resulting negative feelings triggered by the task. Some common examples of procrastination behaviours include:
Avoiding making a decision: This may include being unable to choose an assignment topic because you need to pick the “perfect” one that will result in you making the most compelling presentation in order to earn top marks, or even putting off making a decision (in case it’s the incorrect one!) so that you just have to make do with whatever is left over.
Giving up too soon: It is common for perfectionists to give up trying because doing so means facing the possibility of failure. It feels more secure and safe to avoid the scrutiny.
Delaying starting a task: This can include avoiding starting assignments, or even spending an excessive amount of time on researching but not actually starting the assignment (but still feeling productive). Not committing means not having to deal with a less-than-perfect attempt.
All these procrastinating behaviours are problematic in that they not only increase psychological distress, but also maintain perfectionism. When we engage in procrastination behaviours, we never really learn if we are actually good enough, and our thoughts keep us stuck in the perfectionism-procrastination loop:
If we performed well, we can only imagine how much better we could’ve done if only we’d started earlier and given ourselves a proper chance to shine (that is, our real potential hasn’t been fairly tested!)
If we perform poorly, then we can excuse it because of the pressure you were under (that is, our real potential was crushed under the weight of time pressure or anxiety).
Tips to break the perfectionism-procrastination loop
If you find yourself agreeing to all of the above, help is at hand. Here’s our tip sheet to help you break the perfectionism-procrastination loop [2] . As a sneak peek these include:
Count the costs of procrastination.
Set realistic and achievable goals .
Shift your mindset.
Shift your goalposts.
Show yourself compassion. .
Reach out and talk to a psychologist who works in the perfectionism-procrastination space (like us!).
A word of caution - the perfectionism-procrastination loop often reflects an entrenched pattern of thinking and behaving, accompanied by strong emotions. Progress will take time, and there will be setbacks along the way, so it’s best to adopt the approach of chipping away at it gradually.
REFERENCES
[1] Flett, G.L., Hewitt, P.L., Blankstein, K. R. & Koledin, S. (1991). Dimensions of perfectionism and irrational Thinking. Journal of Rational Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 9, 185-201.
[2] Baldwin, M. W., & Sinclair, L. (1996). Self-esteem and "if…then" contingencies of interpersonal acceptance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, 1130 - 1141. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.6.1130
[3] Antony, M. M., & Swinson, R. P. (1998). When perfect isn't good enough: Strategies for coping with perfectionism. New Harbinger Publications.
[4] Fursland, A., Raykos, B. and Steele, A. (2009). Perfectionism in Perspective. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions
[5] Egan, S.J., Wade, T.D., Shafran, R., & Antony, M.M. (2014). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of perfectionism. New York: The Guilford Press.
6 sure-fire strategies to manage exam stress
With exams rapidly approaching check out our tips to help you manage exam stress and anxiety.
6 SURE-FIRE TIPS TO MANAGE EXAM STRESS
by Joyce Chong (updated 28 September 2018)
Exams can be a stressful time - it’s the culmination of months of hard work, and the stakes can be high. Thoughts about your future career ‘hanging in the balance’ can heighten stress levels and ramp up anxiety. The problem is that too much stress and anxiety actually harms your cognitive performance, yet it’s at this point in time where we see students doing things such as cramming, staying up late to study, and cutting back on exercise and adequate nutrition - behaviours that have negative outcomes for performance. With this in mind, we’ve put together six sure-fire tips to help you manage exam stress.
1. STUDY SMARTER, NOT LONGER
Come exam time it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that every waking moment should be spent studying. In reality, preparing well for exams isn’t about cramming absolutely everything in, nor is it about studying for every single moment of the day.
Instead, try the following strategies:
Understand the times of day that you’re better able to cope with more mentally-taxing tasks like digesting topics that you don’t enjoy or don't understand well. Structure your studies accordingly.
Spend time revising what you've have studied – repetition is how you consolidate things which means that they’ll be easier to recall during the exam.
Learn what you have to learn. That is, pay close attention to what types of questions typically come up in past exam papers, what lecturers emphasise, and what the core objectives of the subject are. By focusing on learning these, you’re giving yourself an excellent head start.
It may also be a good time to sharpen your study skills. Learn how to learn better by improving your reading and comprehension, improving your memory, and understanding your preferred learning style (visual versus verbal). Not sure how to? Check out this article on How to Choose the Right Study Techniques. You can also check out our online course Nimble Noodle (more details in the blue box at the bottom of this page!), which helps students perform at their peak.
2. Practise, practise, practise
You'd train your little heart out for a marathon, so why wouldn’t you do the same for exams? To help get you fit for exams you can practise:
Waking up at a time early in the morning so you’re alert for morning exams. That means keeping a steady waking time throughout the entire week, rather than late nights and late mornings on weekends.
Simulating exam conditions by sitting a practice exam at a desk, and writing complete answers as you would in a real exam. Given that we rarely write continuously for 2 or 3 hours nowadays, it’s a good opportunity to get exam-fit.
Testing your recollection of what you have learnt by setting yourself sample questions and pop quizzes.
3. Limit cramming/all-nighters/performance-enhancers
Before you scoff at our suggestion to avoid cramming or using performance-enhancers, hear us out. Keeping your energy levels up and reducing fatigue so that they don’t affect your performance (both speed and accuracy) are important. Exam periods last for over a week, and you want to be able to last the distance.
Critically, get adequate rest - research has shown that 17-19 hours without sleep leads to poorer accuracy and slower reaction times on cognitive tasks, equivalent to performing with a blood alcohol concentration of 0.05%! So if you wouldn’t drink alchol and sit an exam, consider if it’s time to go to bed just a bit earlier. [1]
It’s also a good idea to limit caffeine and other stimulants (including nicotine) - after all, what goes up must come down at some point in time… and hopefully not on the morning of your exam.
4. Take care of the building blocks
Diet, exercise, sleep – we’re talking about the foundations of good health to facilitate studying and minimise stress that increases during the exam period.[2] Having worked with many students over the years, we’re also realistic that these tend to be the first things to go out the window when life gets stressful, which is exactly why we’re highlighting this as an important way of managing stress.
Diet matters because you need energy so you can study for sustained periods rather than feel fatigued after a sugar- or caffeine-hit. [3] Instead, look at clever ways to sneak convenient yet healthy foods into your day that will keep your energy going. This can be as simple as doing food prep over the weekend and stocking up on healthy snacks.
Exercise helps burn up the stress that builds up during exam time. [4] If it’s hard to find time to go to the gym when you’re studying, incorporate it into your routine and multitask it with revisions if you must!
Sleep helps the body to rest and recharge, consolidate what you have learned during the day, and maintain peak cognitive abilities (see Point 3 on why sleep matters), so don’t scrimp on it.
5. LEARN TO Relax…
Exams can get pretty stressful, so apart from taking care of the building blocks of diet, sleep, and exercise, it’s also important to get some rest and relaxation.
Plan for some down-time, and schedule it at the end of a study period so that it can motivate you to get through a particularly tricky topic that you have to plough through.
Also consider breathing as a simple and easily accessible way of decreasing your stress and anxiety. It’s as simple as breathing in and out through your nose over eight seconds, and from your diaphragm rather than your chest. This is a technique that you can use right in the middle of your exams too, when you feel ‘thrown’ by a question.
6. Check your thoughts
Your thoughts can really impact on our stress levels. Say you believe that you will:
Fail this exam;
Therefore fail all of your exams;
Fail all of your subjects; and
And that will be the end of your future.
Your thoughts increase your anxiety, and unfortunately excessive levels of anxiety have a negative impact on performance.
If you find that your thoughts create a lot of stress and anxiety for you, it may help to ask yourself if catastrophising is getting in the way. What is the likelihood of failing? What are the likely consequences of failing? Has anyone ever failed a subject but ended up finishing their studies? Has anyone ever not completed their studies but went on to be successful? By getting a reality-check you can turn down the noise on the thoughts and help you to contain your anxiety.
Hopefully these tips will help you in the lead up to your exams. If you find that you want to learn more about preparing for exams, or about managing exam anxiety, contact us to make an appointment.
GOT TO GET INTO STUDY MODE? GET NIMBLE NOODLE.
Learn ways to prepare better for your exams by getting on top of your studies. In Nimble Noodle, an online course for students where you can learn to use your brain flexibly to stay focused until the end. We focus on a holistic approach to exam performance - academically, psychologically, and physically. Nimble Noodle for students covers:
GREAT TIPS ON HOW TO BOOST YOUR STUDY SKILLS
Studying is more than just opening your books and rote-learning the information contained in your textbook, nor just attending classes and summarising what the teacher covers. In Nimble Noodle we cover:
How to set yourself up for a great academic year, semester, or term by planning your studies with good time management.
Understanding how your memory works and how to work with its limitations to boost your performance.
How to read and take notes effectively rather than writing everything you read/hear. Pages and pages of notes do not automatically turn you into an excellent student. You have to engage with your notes and study strategically.
How to be effective when it comes to assignments by taking a strategic approach to planning how to tackle your assignment, how to conduct research, and planning what to write.
HOW TO STAY ON TRACK WITH STUDIES (BURNOUT AND PROCRASTINATION, WE’RE LOOKING AT YOU!)
An academic year can seem really long. A semester may seem less of a stretch, but in reality it means that you have to be able to sustain your performance to make it over many weeks. So how do you stay on track with your studies when there are multiple distractions, fun things to do instead, and not burn out before you get to the end? In Nimble Noodle we’ll look at:
How your mindset can demotivate and derail your best intentions, and how to shift your self talk to help you stay on track with your studies. Feeling motivated to approach your studies, or feeling demotivated and procrastinating on a task, all stem from your mindset and powerful self-talk. We take a deep dive into mindset and how to make it work to your advantage.
How to look after your physical health so that you don’t crash and burn. Think of the classic stressed-out student who sets aside a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep, who instead spends every waking moment studying - how effective will this student be when it comes to the crunch?
How to manage stress, intense emotions, and setbacks so that they don’t derail your studies. Feeling overwhelmed can lead you to check out of your studies, so why not learn to managing distressing emotions so that it’s easier to refocus on your studies?
How to manage your time better and to set up an environment that helps your studies. Learning about your peak times of alertness can boost your studies.
How to think critically about your study progress (meta-learning).
HOW TO PREPARE FOR EXAM DAY(S)
Finally, we cover how to prepare for exam time with specific tips covering:
How to study strategically when it comes to your exam preparation
What to do on exam day
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Nimble Noodle is brought to you by our Clinical Psychologist Dr Joyce Chong, and Dr Kevin Yong, GP and blogger at eat.move.chill. They’ve worked together over the years to help students get set for their studies and exams, and have put together their best tips that work so you can access them all in the one place.
Joyce has a special interest in learning and memory, having completed her PhD on the link between anxiety and working memory. She also worked for many years with students at University Counselling and Psychological Services, helping them stay on track with their studies through a combination of developing strong study skills, managing moods that get in the way of effective studying, and also developing the right mindset for success.
Kevin is a firm believer in the benefits of a healthy body for wellbeing and the mind. His focus is on helping students look after themselves in ways that support their learning and concentration, and to ensure that they stay well and illness-free for this very significant year of their lives.
As a special thank you to our The Skill Collective readers, the first section of Nimble Noodle (covering How to study strategically, Mindset, and Study Skills) has launched! You can learn more about Nimble Noodle and ACCESS AN EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT ON NIMBLE NOODLE by clicking on this link HERE.
Want more? You can connect with The Skill Collective in the following ways:
Contact us to make an individual appointment to get started on making changes.
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References
[1] Williamson, A.M., & Feyer, A-M. (2000). Moderate sleep deprivation produces impairments in cognitive and motor performance equivalent to legally prescribed levels of alcohol intoxication. Occupational Environmental Medicine, 649-655.
[2] Andrews, A., & Chong, J. (2011). Exploring the wellbeing of students studying at an Australian university. Journal of the Australia and New Zealand Student Services Association, 37, 9-38.
[2] http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Fatigue_fighting_tips?open
[4] Chong, J., Elliott, J., & Murray, S. (2005). Avoiding the black hole of despair: A guide to managing exam anxiety. Perth: Curtin University.
A primer on perfectionism
Here’s a quick guide on what you need to know about perfectionism.
A PRIMER ON PERFECTIONISM
By Joyce Chong
It’s easy to think of perfectionism as one overall category in which you’re driven to achieve exceedingly high standards, and attaining the standard is like climbing to the peak of a mountain. But perfectionism is so much more complex and diverse than that. Today, we’re taking a closer look at the different ways in which we can think about perfectionism.
WHERE DOES PERFECTIONISM COMES FROM?
The cause of perfectionism is thought to be varied. [1] Genes potentially make a contribution, as suggested by studies of identical twins raised together versus those raised apart, as do parental expectations. It’s also thought that we can ‘learn’ perfectionism through mechanisms such as observation, reward (e.g. getting praised for doing well), and punishment (e.g. getting punished for failing to meet others’ expectations).
ABOUT PERFECTIONISTIC STANDARDS
We often think of perfectionism as something that is driven from within, influenced by our own high standards and driving our own behaviour. However perfectionism isn’t necessarily directed at ourselves.[2]
Perfectionism can be directed at others wherein you expect others to adhere to the high standards that you expect of them. Thus, you may expect:
Your partner to do housework a particular way;
Your family to conform to your idealised vision of how family members should relate to each other
Your friends to act in a particular way
Your children to behave how they ‘should’
In each of these situations it’s easy to see that disappointment, hurt, and anger may follow when others don’t meet your expectations.
There is also something that we call socially prescribed perfectionism, wherein we believe that others hold high expectations that we must meet. Not surprisingly, it’s been shown to be linked to a fear of negative evaluation, loneliness and shyness, lower levels of social self-esteem[3]. It has also been linked to a tendency to be perfectionistic when it comes to how one presents oneself (perfectionistic self-presentation), the perception of having received social feedback that is negative in nature, to ruminate more about having (potentially) offended others, and also feelings of depression and social anxiety.[4]
HOW IS YOUR PERFECTIONISM MANIFEST?
Perfectionism can be manifest in different ways in different domains of our lives. For instance you may see perfectionism:
Within the home, with lawns meticulously manicured, the interior and exterior cleaned spotlessly, and objects arranged ‘just so’. There may be daily, weekly, monthly, and seasonal cleaning routines that must be rigidly adhered to.
At work where you pore over every detail of every project, find it hard to delegate tasks, and set extremely high targets that you ‘must’ achieve at all costs. Long hours are typically involved in getting outcomes that meet your exacting standards.
At school or at university, where you aim for extremely high marks, relentlessly study or research to ensure that you have all the answers readily available and that you avoid making any mistakes. Your assignments keep getting reworked until they feel ‘just right’.
In hobbies, where there are multiple attempts are made to get something ‘just so’. If cooking is your thing, then it may be attempting to replicate a dish so that it looks exactly like it does in a magazine.
In sport/exercise, and not just at the lofty levels of competition. There may be multiple attempts to achieve a textbook yoga pose, or overtraining against a coach’s advice because of a desire to perfect techniques.
In self-presentation…how you speak, dress, your level of grooming, your lifestyle choices, your body weight and shape. Throw in the heightened scrutiny of social media to this mix and it’s easy to see how perfectionism can take over in a bid to maintain a perfect image.
HOW IS PERFECTIONISM MAINTAINED?
How do perfectionistic standards continue to persist given they are often unrealistically high and therefore at times unlikely to be met?
One factor is the thought process or interpretation – that a failure to meet these standards are not a reflection of the unrealistic nature of the standards themselves, but rather a reflection on your own failures. Or, if the standard is somehow achieved, then it may be discounted as being too easy and attainable by all.
Perfectionistic behaviours also reinforce the problem, as you increase your efforts to achieve the unrealistic standards. While it may pay off, it’s important to recognise that this level of effort is often difficult to sustain in the longer term.
Interestingly, procrastination also plays a part for some dealing with perfectionism. By ‘opting out’, or perhaps completing the work with insufficient time to do a decent job, the ‘blow’ of being unable to meet the unrealistic standard becomes far easier to handle.
THE IMPACT OF PERFECTIONISM
Critically, what is the impact of perfectionism? Is it something that motivates you, spurring you on to strive for excellence? When that excellence is achieved do you feel a sense of contentment and satisfaction?
Or, is perfectionism more like a rod of punishment, where you feel pressured to reach a particular standard, your motivation is driven by a fear of failure, or where achievements are quickly dismissed as being too easy and replaced by even loftier goals?
Give that perfectionism can have very different effects, the big question is what differentiates adaptive perfectionism from maladaptive – or clinical – perfectionism?
A key factor to look at is how much 'wiggle room' we give ourselves when it comes to our standards. When perfectionism is adaptive we tend to see the goals as guidelines to work tirelessly towards, however we can show some degree of flexibility when it comes to the goal that is set, whether the goals are realistic, and whether there is flexibility in the time frame within which it is to be achieved.
In contrast, when clinical perfectionism is at play goals are set unrealistically high (typically setting us up for failure), however in typical black and white thinking any deviation from the goal is viewed as failure. Clinical perfectionism leaves us constantly feeling that we’re not good enough, leading us to set even loftier goals that we are unlikely to meet. With this type of mindset is it any wonder that clinical perfectionism is linked with burnout, psychological distress, depression, and other mental health disorders?[5] To learn more about this, see our Tip Sheet in our FREE Resource Library on When Perfectionism Harms your Wellbeing.
When considering the effects of clinical perfectionism, the big question to ask yourself is…Is it really worth it?
REFERENCES
[1] Antony, M.M., & Swinson, R.P. (1998). When perfect isn’t good enough: Strategies for coping with perfectionism. Oakland: New Harbinger.
[2] Hewitt, P.L., Flett, G.L., Turnbull-Donovan, W., & Mikail, S.F. (1991). The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale: Reliability, validity, and psychometric properties in psychiatric samples. Psychological Assessment, 3, 464-468.
[3] Flett, G.L., Hewitt, P.L., & De Rosa, T. (1996). Dimensions of perfectionism, psychosocial adjustment, and social skills. Personality and Individual Differences, 20, 143-150.
[4] Nepon, T., Flett, G.L, Hewitt, P.L., & Molnar, D.S. (2011). Perfectionism, negative social feedback, and interpersonal rumination in depression and social anxiety. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 43, 297-308.
[5] Egan, S.J., Wade, T.D., Shafran, R., & Antony, M.M. (2014). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of perfectionism. New York: The Guilford Press.
Christmas parties - A guide for the socially anxious
For those with social anxiety, this time of the year can be stressful as it's filled with end-of-year catch ups and Christmas parties. Read on to find out how to make it through the party season.
CHRISTMAS PARTIES - A GUIDE FOR THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS
by Joyce Chong
At this time of the year we’re right in the midst of numerous social gatherings – end-of-year drinks with friends, work Christmas parties, holiday catch-up with the soccer team, family gatherings, the list goes on.
While it’s a social time, for some the prospect of enduring gathering after gathering full of people is something that triggers anxiety and even panic. For those experiencing social anxiety, we’ve put together a guide to help get through the holiday season.
What is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety occurs when we feel anxious in social performance situations because of the perceived potential for scrutiny by others or for our anxiety symptoms to ‘leak out’ and be visible to others.
The degree of anxiety experienced can vary according to different factors including who we're around (e.g. people in positions of authority vs. peers) or the type of occasion (e.g. public speaking vs. one-to-one).
In such situations, we can experience a range of physical changes (e.g. increased heart rate, increased breathing rate, butterflies in the stomach, and feeling flushed) as well as cognitive changes (e.g. worrying, jumping to conclusions, mind-reading). There is typically a preference to avoid the situation or, if this is not possible, to endure the situation with intense anxiety.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY?
Social situations can cause us all to feel nervous from time to time, for example when meeting our partner’s family and friends for the first time, or when delivering a presentation to a hundred people.
Signs of nerves getting a bit out of hand include some of the following [1]:
The anxiety is excessive relative to what others would experience in a similar situation.
There's deliberate avoidance of situations, for example, sending emails to the manager so as to avoid face-to-face meetings, or catching up individually with team members (at a significant time cost) rather than address everyone at once.
There is a need to do certain things to decrease anxiety in order to get through a situation. This may include drinking alcohol to calm the nerves, carrying medication to calm anxious feelings before they get too intense, or ensuring that our best friend or partner is there before agreeing to attending an event.
The anxiety, and the avoidance of such social situations, is having a negative impact on daily functioning. This includes missing out on promotions because the new work role involves public speaking, or turning down the opportunity to coach a sporting team because that would lead to being the focus of attention during a game.
How common is social anxiety disorder?
The 2007 Australian National Mental Health Survey found that, of the 16 million individuals surveyed, 4.7% of these individuals had a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder in the previous 12 months [2]. That’s about 1 in 20 who experience sufficiently severe levels of social anxiety to warrant a diagnosis.
Of course, this only captures those with a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, and does not include those who may be living with similar difficulties but not yet identified what it is.
So how can you survive Christmas when you feel so anxious?
We've put together some simple tips to help you over the next few weeks. Of course, be sure to seek help in the new year before this hits again next Christmas. Chances are there are also other social situations in which you may feel anxious (e.g. other parties, work meetings, meeting new people), so why not learn how to better manage these situations? In the meantime, check out these tips:
1. Face the fear… one baby step at a time
When we have to face any unfamiliar situation it helps to practice beforehand. Unfortunately it can be difficult to recreate our very own ‘practice work Christmas party’. Instead, try making small talk in ‘low stakes’ situations such as making small talk at the checkout when buying groceries, or asking a stranger for the time. If the consequences of the interaction are small - in that the likelihood of encountering this person again is low - it becomes easier to face the fear.
2. Prepare in advance
Often part of the fear is knowing what to say, particularly when there is a lull in conversation. If it helps, prepare some general conversation topics that could apply in most situations.
For instance, when talking to people who work, some general questions could include asking around how their year at work has been, what projects are on the horizon, and what they have planned for the holidays or how much time they're taking off work.
When talking to parents, you could ask them if they have anything special planned for Christmas, or ask them about their kids.
If you know they're into food and dining you can ask them if they have favourite cuisines, or what the best meal that they've ever had is.
3. Live in the moment, not in your head
We’ve probably all been in conversations where we’ve noticed that the other person isn’t quite listening. Rather, it feels like they're waiting for us to pause before jumping in to say what's been on their mind, irrespective of whether it fits with the flow of the conversation.
These disjointed conversations often arise because we place pressure on ourselves to find something to talk about, or to find 'common ground' with the other person. And, when we live in our heads, we miss out what is in the moment during the conversation.
So, learn to listen actively instead. It is, quite simply, one of the best ways to work out a talking point. Not convinced? Let's say we're talking to an acquaintance about her upcoming holiday in South America where she is particularly looking forward to visiting Machu Picchu in Peru.
Rather than focusing on our thoughts which may include, "What do I know about South America that I can talk about?" or "I have to come up with my own exciting holiday so I don't seem boring.", by focusing on listening to why she is especially looking forward to about Machu Picchu we can 'springboard' off her topic. Questions that easily flow on from looking forward to?", or "Are there other places in Peru that you're planning to visit?"
4. Check your thoughts
We do say to ‘check your thoughts’ a lot at The Skill Collective, and that’s because we really believe that our thoughts can ‘ramp up’ our anxiety. By assuming that we'll definitely embarrass ourselves, that we can’t cope with this awful situation, and that everyone will be staring at us, we let these thoughts increase our anxiety and question our ability to cope.
How true are our thoughts?
Do we, ourselves, pay full attention to the situation that we’re in, or are we sometimes caught up in our own thoughts about how tasty the Christmas turkey looks or how we're going to finish our report before we go on leave? If we do sometimes live in our heads, is it possible that others do too, rather than focusing their entire attention on us or judging us negatively?
What is the worst thing that someone could think about us? How likely is it that they will be having this exact thought about us?
If we make one small mistake – for example knocking over dropping a bit of salad on the table – how significant will that one small mistake be? Will it be the talking point at Christmases to come? Will anyone else remember dropping the salad?
5. Keep stress levels down in the lead up to the event
Heading straight from one event to another in a short space of time is a recipe for stress and anxiety. So, space out social gatherings where possible, take time prior to the gathering to compose nerves, and do some relaxation to calm stress levels. Just a simple case of breathing slowly in and out can help.
6. Be wary of a bit of 'Dutch courage'
Ah yes, it becomes all too easy doesn’t it, when the majority of social gatherings that we attend serve alcohol. A bit of social lubricant may seem like a good idea at the time, but taken to the extreme we can then forget what we have said, thus potentially creating a further layer of thoughts where we worry about having potentially embarrassed ourselves.
Also, if we rely on alcohol to cope, how can we ever learn that it is possible for us to manage anxiety on our own? That is, we become reliant on alcohol, and we don’t really face the issue.
Importantly:
The steps that we have outlined above are to help make things more bearable over the coming weeks and, as such, focus on small but manageable steps.
While they may be of help over the Christmas period, if you do identify with many of the symptoms of social anxiety described above, please do seek advice from your mental health professional about how to best tailor the above tips to your own situation to produce longer-term improvements.
Contact us to make an individual appointment to get started on making changes if social anxiety gets in the way of your life.
REFERENCES:
[1] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
[2] Australian Bureau of Statistics (2008). National survey of mental health and wellbeing: Summary of results, 2007, cat 4326.0, retrieved 11th December 2015, https://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/content/A24556C814804A99CA257BF0001CAC45/$File/mha25.pdf
Keep track of your anxiety by monitoring your mood and sticking with healthy habits. Here we outline how the humble planner can help you to achieve your goals when it comes to anxiety.