7 tips for living with social anxiety
Living with social anxiety can be limiting and lonely. If you find that your fear gets in the way of you living your best life, read on to find out how to turn things around.
7 tips for living with social anxiety
By Joyce Chong
In the 2007 National Mental Health and Wellbeing survey that surveyed 16million Australians to gain a picture of the nation’s Mental Health we found that anxiety is the most common mental health disorder experienced by individuals. (see here for a brief summary)
Within anxiety, social anxiety is the second most common anxiety disorder experienced (behind posttraumatic stress disorder). Social anxiety is linked with poorer quality of life and workplace productivity [1] and also with the increased use of alcohol and cannabis.[2]
If you're one of the many who experience social anxiety or know of someone who does, read on for our 7 tips for living with social anxiety. We've also included a printable version at the bottom of the article.
1. Know the difference between shyness and social anxiety
It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing social anxiety as just an extreme of shyness. Indeed, there is a higher rate of social anxiety amongst shy individuals compared to individuals who aren’t shy, however the majority of shy individuals do not have social anxiety.[3]
However, social anxiety differs from shyness in that there is a marked level of fear involved, there is avoidance of feared situations, there is a strong fear of negative evaluation, and the social anxiety has a negative impact on functioning in several areas of life (e.g. work performance or relationships).
For example, a student may feel shy in a tutorial room, but if that person is distressed at the prospect of having to speak in the tutorial, and the tutorials have a participation component that students must pass (that is, they risk failing the entire unit if they don’t contribute) then we are looking more at a picture of social anxiety.
Did you know that for some, the anxiety is present only in situations where performance is concerned? So, while they may do well in most aspects of socialising, there may be anxiety just when doing public speaking or talking to people in positions of authority (e.g. managers, lecturers).
2. Take action…now!
Social anxiety typically starts between late childhood and mid-adolescence, with sufferers waiting an average of 15-20 years before they seek treatment.[1]
Given the wide-ranging impact of these social fears, it is understandable that social anxiety is linked with poorer quality of life and wellbeing – how restrictive would it be if you were afraid to go for a job interview, ask someone for directions, ask a question of your teacher, or even looking people in the eye in a passing conversation in case they think negatively of you?
How long have you lived with social anxiety? How does it hold you back in your life? Take action now so that you don't have to continue to live this way.
3. Challenge your avoidance
Avoiding a scary situation may bring you immediate relief, but over time you may notice that more situations cause you anxiety, or that your anxiety gets more intense.
The reality is that striving to feel safe all of the time is unrealistic, and trying to achieve this means that the number of situations in which you feel comfortable starts to rapidly shrink.
Make changes by taking one small step at a time. For example, if you're afraid of making conversation with people, start off by making small talk about the weather with the check out operator at a new grocery store, then build up to making small talk with the receptionist at your doctor's surgery. It takes one small step to get the ball rolling.
4. Rethink your drink
Social anxiety is associated with an increased rate of alcohol dependence. [4] Alcohol is often used to cope with nerves before and during a social situation, but it's important to rethink your drink and take a good hard look at whether it's just another form of avoidance.
Why is using alcohol to cope with anxiety a bad thing when many of our social situations involve alcohol? Well, alcohol may make you feel less anxious in the short term, but in the longer term do you learn that you can cope without a drink? Sound familiar? Refer to Point 3 – yes, using alcohol sounds like a form of avoidance.
5. Check your thoughts
Are your thoughts and thinking styles making your anxiety worse? Tune in to your thoughts when you first notice anxiety building up in a social situation. Are you making an incorrect assumption? Are you jumping to conclusions, or catastrophising by focusing on the worst case scenario?
If you're giving a presentation, do you assume that one small mistake in your presentation means that you have made a fool of yourself? Will the worst case scenario of being laughed at by everyone really come true?
We’ve previously blogged about Checking your Thoughts in relation to social anxiety here in our post on social anxiety and Christmas functions so use that as a starting point. You can also find more information on thinking styles here.
6. Conduct an experiment
Sometimes we believe what we believe because we haven’t had evidence to the contrary. Let's say you keep your head down on the bus because you think that others on the bus will stare at you. By keeping your focus on your feet or phone, you won't see that they’re not staring at you. In other words, your belief is reinforced or, at the very least, not disputed.
Let’s mix things up a little. Let’s conduct an experiment by sitting at the back of the bus, and then watching what people actually do. Chances are, you’ll see that people are either looking at their phones, or looking out the window. The thing is, though, you won’t really know unless you do the experiment to test your belief.
7. Seek professional help
A lot can be done to help with social anxiety, so please take action before 15-20 years pass you by (see Point 2). Psychological treatments such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) have been shown to be effective in the treatment of social anxiety.[5] You can also speak with your GP to discuss medication options.
Thanks for reading. We hope that the tips on managing social anxiety are helpful.
Want more? Learn about Social Set, our 8-session Social Anxiety Course. Work one-on-one with a psychologist to develop a tailored approach to bounce back from social anxiety.
REFERENCES
[1] American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th edition, DSM-5). Washington: American Psychological Association.
[2] Buckner, J.D., Schmidt, N.B., Lang, A.R., Small, J.W., Schlauch, R.C., & Lewinsohn, P.M. (2008). Specificity of Social Anxiety Disorder as a risk factor for alcohol and cannabis dependence. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 42, 230-239.
[3] Heiser, N.A., Turner, S.M., & Beidel, D.C. (2003). Shyness: relationship to social phobia and other psychiatric disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 41, 209-221.
[4] Schneier, F.R, Foose, T.E., Hasin, D.S., Heimberg, R.G., Liu, S.M., Grant, B.F., & Blanco, C. (2010). Social anxiety disorder and alcohol use disorder comorbidity in the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. Psychological Medicine, 40, 977-988.
[5] Craske, M.G., et al. (2014). Randomized controlled trial of cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy for social phobia: outcomes and moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82, 1034-1048.
Caught in the Perfectionism-Procrastination loop?
Is perfectionism driving you to procrastinate? It may seem counterintuitive, but unrealistic standards and a fear of failure can often lead to procrastination. Read on to learn more…
Caught in the Perfectionism-Procrastination Loop?
By Olivia Kingsley
Perfectionism is often viewed as a positive quality – after all, who wouldn’t want to be perfect? High achievers meet their goals, and this can lead to feeling accomplished. However, the dark side of perfectionism, Clinical Perfectionism, can actually harm our wellbeing, mental health, and performance. Clinical Perfectionism involves placing immense pressure on ourselves to meet extremely high (and often unattainable) standards [1], relentlessly striving for these standards, and basing our self-esteem based on the ability to achieve these standards[2]. When we (inevitably) fall short of meeting these standards, we experience negative emotions and low self-worth. Rather than helping us attain excellence, Clinical Perfectionism can actually result in a number of self-defeating behaviours, including procrastination [3]. Let’s look at Mia’s situation:
Mia, 22, is a university student who takes her studies very seriously and wants to impress her professors. She holds very high standards for her academic performance and believes that any grade lower than a high distinction is unacceptable. If she receives a grade she considers too low, Mia believes she is a failure and assumes that her professors are disappointed in her. Because of the immense pressure she faces, Mia delays starting assignments because she is terrified of making a mistake when writing the ‘perfect’ paper. This means that Mia starts her assignments at the last minute, which leaves her feeling rushed, guilty, and overwhelmed.
In Mia’s situation, procrastination has nothing to do with being lazy. Rather, her procrastination is directly tied to her fear of not attaining perfection. If this sounds familiar, here are some other signs that perfectionism could be driving procrastination [3]:
The thought of starting a project or assignment is too terrifying because it won’t be good enough.
Excessive amounts of time are spent in the planning phase (the ‘grand vision’), but doing the actual task is put off until the last minute because the output may fall short of the vision.
Actions are heavily driven by emotions, for example avoiding finishing a task until it feels “ just right”, or not starting an assignment because we’re “not in the right frame of mind”.
Easier, less intimidating (and less ego-threatening) tasks are prioritised, taking time away from those tasks that need to be completed.
The challenge, though, is that while procrastination brings short-term relief, it’s later replaced by increased time pressure, feeling even more overwhelmed, and underperformance in general.
what maintains the perfectionism-procrastination loop?
How is this unhelpful perfectionism-procrastination loop maintained? Let’s look to those thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that keep us stuck in this loop.
The way we think
The way perfectionists think can really maintain clinical perfectionism and contribute to procrastination.[3][4]
Perfectionists are often hypervigilant for signs that their performance is not up to scratch. They may be sensitive to signs of negative feedback, or even tune in to their own stress and discomfort when attempting to start a task (and rationalising that this discomfort reflects a lack of ability).
Perfectionists can fall into the trap of unhelpful thinking styles. These thinking styles are often inaccurate but are accepted as reflecting reality. They unhelpful thinking styles serve to increase stress and overwhelm, which can be demotivating. Procrastination is a natural consequence when facing such negative emotions. These kinds of thinking styles include:
All or Nothing Thinking: This particularly relates to the attainment of unrealistically high standards, “If I don’t receive 100% on my test then I am a bad student”. Certainly, attaining these unrealistically high standards is unlikely, thus this way of thinking sets the perfectionist up to experience stress and overwhelm.
Catastrophic Thinking: This involves assuming that one will not be able to cope with negative outcomes, and that even a small mistake will be a disaster. “My reputation would never recover if I said the wrong thing at a work meeting”. When the consequences are blown out of proportion, is it any wonder that procrastinating on taking action seems to be the safer option?
Mind Reading: This involves predicting what other people are thinking, often making assumptions that they are judging you negatively, “My supervisor is so critical and exacting that they will rip my assignment to shreds and think I am utterly incompetent.” This type of thinking can then lead to procrastination when submitting work to be evaluated.
Misguided attributions and rationalisations following the outcome subsequently serve to reinforce the perfectionism-procrastination loop, for example believing that:
Attributing deadline-driven productivity to capability, “I do my best work under pressure!”. In reality, the work is done only because of the imminent deadline. The rest of the time
Rationalising outcomes as an underestimate of true abilities, thus preserving self-esteem, “Wow, look at that mark. Pretty remarkable given I didn’t have much time to do it. Imagine if I actually focused I could’ve done so much better!”
The way we feel
Since perfectionists tend to be highly self-critical, they experience negative emotions when their expectations are (inevitably) not met. The thinking styles described earlier keep perfectionists feeling bad about themselves and reinforce their low self-worth. When a perfectionist is unable to meet their high standards, they may experience feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, guilt, depression, and doubt.
These feelings may be so intense and unbearable that procrastination seems to be the safest and most comfortable option. [4]
The way we behave
Finally, behaviour plays a big role in maintaining the perfectionism underpinning procrastination. In the article Anxiety on Campus: What Students Need to Know about Managing Anxiety, our Fight or Flight response kicks in when we face a threat (as is the case of a task we see as challenging and demanding perfection). Procrastination is an excellent example of the Flight response, where we seek to avoid the threat of failure and the resulting negative feelings triggered by the task. Some common examples of procrastination behaviours include:
Avoiding making a decision: This may include being unable to choose an assignment topic because you need to pick the “perfect” one that will result in you making the most compelling presentation in order to earn top marks, or even putting off making a decision (in case it’s the incorrect one!) so that you just have to make do with whatever is left over.
Giving up too soon: It is common for perfectionists to give up trying because doing so means facing the possibility of failure. It feels more secure and safe to avoid the scrutiny.
Delaying starting a task: This can include avoiding starting assignments, or even spending an excessive amount of time on researching but not actually starting the assignment (but still feeling productive). Not committing means not having to deal with a less-than-perfect attempt.
All these procrastinating behaviours are problematic in that they not only increase psychological distress, but also maintain perfectionism. When we engage in procrastination behaviours, we never really learn if we are actually good enough, and our thoughts keep us stuck in the perfectionism-procrastination loop:
If we performed well, we can only imagine how much better we could’ve done if only we’d started earlier and given ourselves a proper chance to shine (that is, our real potential hasn’t been fairly tested!)
If we perform poorly, then we can excuse it because of the pressure you were under (that is, our real potential was crushed under the weight of time pressure or anxiety).
Tips to break the perfectionism-procrastination loop
If you find yourself agreeing to all of the above, help is at hand. Here’s our tip sheet to help you break the perfectionism-procrastination loop [2] . As a sneak peek these include:
Count the costs of procrastination.
Set realistic and achievable goals .
Shift your mindset.
Shift your goalposts.
Show yourself compassion. .
Reach out and talk to a psychologist who works in the perfectionism-procrastination space (like us!).
A word of caution - the perfectionism-procrastination loop often reflects an entrenched pattern of thinking and behaving, accompanied by strong emotions. Progress will take time, and there will be setbacks along the way, so it’s best to adopt the approach of chipping away at it gradually.
REFERENCES
[1] Flett, G.L., Hewitt, P.L., Blankstein, K. R. & Koledin, S. (1991). Dimensions of perfectionism and irrational Thinking. Journal of Rational Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 9, 185-201.
[2] Baldwin, M. W., & Sinclair, L. (1996). Self-esteem and "if…then" contingencies of interpersonal acceptance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, 1130 - 1141. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.6.1130
[3] Antony, M. M., & Swinson, R. P. (1998). When perfect isn't good enough: Strategies for coping with perfectionism. New Harbinger Publications.
[4] Fursland, A., Raykos, B. and Steele, A. (2009). Perfectionism in Perspective. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions
[5] Egan, S.J., Wade, T.D., Shafran, R., & Antony, M.M. (2014). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of perfectionism. New York: The Guilford Press.
What to do in case of a panic attack
What is a panic attack, and what can you do about it? Read on for our tips on how to manage it ‘in the moment’, and what to do after the panic attack has passed.
what is a panic attack?
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; p. 214 [1] ), panic attacks refer to a sudden surge of intense anxiety and discomfort that peaks within minutes, and is defined by several symptoms including increased heart rate, trembling, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, tingling, nausea, feeling detached, and fear of losing control or of dying. Panic attacks are estimated to affect 40% of Australians at some point in their lives. [2]
Panic attacks can be unexpected (for example as in the case of Panic Disorder), or they can be quite specific to certain situations. For example, they may occur:
In social situations (e.g. public speaking, performing)
When faced with specific phobias (e.g. spiders, snakes, heights, flying)
Around injections/blood (e.g. visit to the dentist, immunisations)
Related to traumatic incidents (e.g. reminders of car accidents or traumatic surgery)
When thinking about your health (e.g. jumping to the ‘worst case scenario’ about a health symptom)
When you feel trapped (e.g. in enclosed spaces such as lifts, buses, trains)
After a panic attack, worrying may set in - What if it happens again? What if you can’t cope? What if there’s no one around when it happens? What if it happens and you can’t escape?
You may then start to avoid places you’re unfamiliar with, or where you’ve previously felt anxious. You may turn to carrying medication ‘just in case’ you need it, or only going places when a familiar person is with you. Over time you may find:
Your idea of what’s safe in this world shrinks, to the point where you’re very limited in where you will venture and what things you will take on
You develop a series of subtle avoidances (e.g. rather than escape altogether you may have ‘safety figures’ or ‘safety behaviours’).
Your mood suffers because of how much your fear holds you back, and its effect on your quality of life.
Given how distressing panic attacks can be, the impact on an individual’s quality of life can be devastating. They can also lead to repeated presentations to medical practitioners for the distressing physical symptoms.
WHAT causes PANIC ATTACKS?
Several factors come to mind when consider what causes panic attacks: [3] [4]
Family history. Twin and family studies of Panic Disorder revealed that genes make a significant contribution to the emergence of panic disorder.
Your health. Some medical conditions may yield symptoms that mimic panic symptoms, including thyroid diseases, cardiac diseases, and respiratory disorders. The use of stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine can also contribute to your experience of a panic attack.
The degree of stress experienced. Sometimes a panic attack may be brought on by a clear and ‘significant’ trigger, for example, having to give a speech in front of 100+ people. At other times, it may be harder to find a clear trigger, but upon reflection you may be able to see that you’ve experienced heightened levels of anxiety in preceding weeks.
Your thoughts. Panic attacks arise when you perceive there to be a threat. How you think has the capacity to ‘ramp up’ your anxiety.
WHAT CAN BE DONE TO HELP WITH PANIC ATTACKS?
When it comes to helping with your panic attacks let's approach it from two angles.
While we can look at what to do to calm down the immediate panic symptoms so that you're better able to cope with the distress, we strongly encourage that you also seek assistance to address the anxiety in the longer term.
We've outlined these two approaches and you can also grab the printable tip sheet below (and also get access to our Resource Library of tip sheets).
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANIC ATTACK
Slow down your breathing as this will help to decrease your anxiety. Start by holding your breath while counting to ten, then breathe in over four seconds and out over another four seconds. Breathe from your diaphragm rather than your chest, and continue for 5 to 10 minutes, repeating if necessary.
Check your thoughts in case they’re escalating your panic symptoms. Catastrophising about the worst case scenario can increase your panic symptoms. Instead, look to test if the thoughts are true (e.g. Is it the case that no one will help if I have a panic attack in public? Have I ever heard of someone passing out from a panic attack?). Alternatively, you can try to take a mindfulness approach by letting the thoughts come and go without getting caught up in them.
Keep in mind that the panic attack will eventually subside. It may not feel pleasant in the meantime, but it will pass. Think of it as ‘surfing’ the wave of anxiety.
WHAT TO DO A LITTLE LATER FOLLOWING A PANIC ATTACK
After the panic attack it’s helpful to take action to help manage your panic attacks in the longer term. Steps that you can take include:
Ruling out any underlying medical conditions in consultation with your health professional. Some medical conditions (e.g. respiratory conditions, cardiac diseases, thyroid diseases) may contribute to the experience of panic symptoms.
Making lifestyle changes to keep your overall stress levels down, including:
Decreasing strain on your body by limiting the use of stimulants that may produce panic-like symptoms (e.g. excessive caffeine consumption may lead to heart palpitations).
Engaging in aerobic exercise on a regular basis.
Look to improve manageable sources of stress by developing skills including stress management, time management, and developing efficient processes to streamline your life and decrease your daily hassles.
Seeking assistance from a mental health professional such as a psychologist to learn skills to help you manage the anxiety. Psychological treatment options shown to be effective include:
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which includes exposure therapy in the forms of graded exposure and also interoceptive exposure (which is exposure to those uncomfortable panic symptoms). This is the treatment that has the strongest evidence-base for Panic Disorder. [5]
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Mindfulness (either on its own, or as part of Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy or ACT).
Our psychologists who help with panic
REFERENCES
[1] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington: American Psychiatric Association.
[2] https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-are-panic-attacks
[3] Lam-Po-Tang, J. (2011). Panic disorder and agoraphobia. Australian Doctor, 28 October 2011, 29-36.
[4] Hettema, J.M., Neale, M.C., & Kendler, K.S. (2001). A review and meta-analysis of the genetic epidemiology of anxiety disorders. American Journal of Psychiatry, 158, 1568-1578.
[5] Australian Psychological Society (2018). Evidence-based psychological interventions in the treatment of mental disorders: A review of the literature (4th ed.). https://www.psychology.org.au/getmedia/23c6a11b-2600-4e19-9a1d-6ff9c2f26fae/Evidence-based-psych-interventions.pdf
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A primer on perfectionism
Here’s a quick guide on what you need to know about perfectionism.
A PRIMER ON PERFECTIONISM
By Joyce Chong
It’s easy to think of perfectionism as one overall category in which you’re driven to achieve exceedingly high standards, and attaining the standard is like climbing to the peak of a mountain. But perfectionism is so much more complex and diverse than that. Today, we’re taking a closer look at the different ways in which we can think about perfectionism.
WHERE DOES PERFECTIONISM COMES FROM?
The cause of perfectionism is thought to be varied. [1] Genes potentially make a contribution, as suggested by studies of identical twins raised together versus those raised apart, as do parental expectations. It’s also thought that we can ‘learn’ perfectionism through mechanisms such as observation, reward (e.g. getting praised for doing well), and punishment (e.g. getting punished for failing to meet others’ expectations).
ABOUT PERFECTIONISTIC STANDARDS
We often think of perfectionism as something that is driven from within, influenced by our own high standards and driving our own behaviour. However perfectionism isn’t necessarily directed at ourselves.[2]
Perfectionism can be directed at others wherein you expect others to adhere to the high standards that you expect of them. Thus, you may expect:
Your partner to do housework a particular way;
Your family to conform to your idealised vision of how family members should relate to each other
Your friends to act in a particular way
Your children to behave how they ‘should’
In each of these situations it’s easy to see that disappointment, hurt, and anger may follow when others don’t meet your expectations.
There is also something that we call socially prescribed perfectionism, wherein we believe that others hold high expectations that we must meet. Not surprisingly, it’s been shown to be linked to a fear of negative evaluation, loneliness and shyness, lower levels of social self-esteem[3]. It has also been linked to a tendency to be perfectionistic when it comes to how one presents oneself (perfectionistic self-presentation), the perception of having received social feedback that is negative in nature, to ruminate more about having (potentially) offended others, and also feelings of depression and social anxiety.[4]
HOW IS YOUR PERFECTIONISM MANIFEST?
Perfectionism can be manifest in different ways in different domains of our lives. For instance you may see perfectionism:
Within the home, with lawns meticulously manicured, the interior and exterior cleaned spotlessly, and objects arranged ‘just so’. There may be daily, weekly, monthly, and seasonal cleaning routines that must be rigidly adhered to.
At work where you pore over every detail of every project, find it hard to delegate tasks, and set extremely high targets that you ‘must’ achieve at all costs. Long hours are typically involved in getting outcomes that meet your exacting standards.
At school or at university, where you aim for extremely high marks, relentlessly study or research to ensure that you have all the answers readily available and that you avoid making any mistakes. Your assignments keep getting reworked until they feel ‘just right’.
In hobbies, where there are multiple attempts are made to get something ‘just so’. If cooking is your thing, then it may be attempting to replicate a dish so that it looks exactly like it does in a magazine.
In sport/exercise, and not just at the lofty levels of competition. There may be multiple attempts to achieve a textbook yoga pose, or overtraining against a coach’s advice because of a desire to perfect techniques.
In self-presentation…how you speak, dress, your level of grooming, your lifestyle choices, your body weight and shape. Throw in the heightened scrutiny of social media to this mix and it’s easy to see how perfectionism can take over in a bid to maintain a perfect image.
HOW IS PERFECTIONISM MAINTAINED?
How do perfectionistic standards continue to persist given they are often unrealistically high and therefore at times unlikely to be met?
One factor is the thought process or interpretation – that a failure to meet these standards are not a reflection of the unrealistic nature of the standards themselves, but rather a reflection on your own failures. Or, if the standard is somehow achieved, then it may be discounted as being too easy and attainable by all.
Perfectionistic behaviours also reinforce the problem, as you increase your efforts to achieve the unrealistic standards. While it may pay off, it’s important to recognise that this level of effort is often difficult to sustain in the longer term.
Interestingly, procrastination also plays a part for some dealing with perfectionism. By ‘opting out’, or perhaps completing the work with insufficient time to do a decent job, the ‘blow’ of being unable to meet the unrealistic standard becomes far easier to handle.
THE IMPACT OF PERFECTIONISM
Critically, what is the impact of perfectionism? Is it something that motivates you, spurring you on to strive for excellence? When that excellence is achieved do you feel a sense of contentment and satisfaction?
Or, is perfectionism more like a rod of punishment, where you feel pressured to reach a particular standard, your motivation is driven by a fear of failure, or where achievements are quickly dismissed as being too easy and replaced by even loftier goals?
Give that perfectionism can have very different effects, the big question is what differentiates adaptive perfectionism from maladaptive – or clinical – perfectionism?
A key factor to look at is how much 'wiggle room' we give ourselves when it comes to our standards. When perfectionism is adaptive we tend to see the goals as guidelines to work tirelessly towards, however we can show some degree of flexibility when it comes to the goal that is set, whether the goals are realistic, and whether there is flexibility in the time frame within which it is to be achieved.
In contrast, when clinical perfectionism is at play goals are set unrealistically high (typically setting us up for failure), however in typical black and white thinking any deviation from the goal is viewed as failure. Clinical perfectionism leaves us constantly feeling that we’re not good enough, leading us to set even loftier goals that we are unlikely to meet. With this type of mindset is it any wonder that clinical perfectionism is linked with burnout, psychological distress, depression, and other mental health disorders?[5] To learn more about this, see our Tip Sheet in our FREE Resource Library on When Perfectionism Harms your Wellbeing.
When considering the effects of clinical perfectionism, the big question to ask yourself is…Is it really worth it?
REFERENCES
[1] Antony, M.M., & Swinson, R.P. (1998). When perfect isn’t good enough: Strategies for coping with perfectionism. Oakland: New Harbinger.
[2] Hewitt, P.L., Flett, G.L., Turnbull-Donovan, W., & Mikail, S.F. (1991). The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale: Reliability, validity, and psychometric properties in psychiatric samples. Psychological Assessment, 3, 464-468.
[3] Flett, G.L., Hewitt, P.L., & De Rosa, T. (1996). Dimensions of perfectionism, psychosocial adjustment, and social skills. Personality and Individual Differences, 20, 143-150.
[4] Nepon, T., Flett, G.L, Hewitt, P.L., & Molnar, D.S. (2011). Perfectionism, negative social feedback, and interpersonal rumination in depression and social anxiety. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 43, 297-308.
[5] Egan, S.J., Wade, T.D., Shafran, R., & Antony, M.M. (2014). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of perfectionism. New York: The Guilford Press.
Christmas parties - A guide for the socially anxious
For those with social anxiety, this time of the year can be stressful as it's filled with end-of-year catch ups and Christmas parties. Read on to find out how to make it through the party season.
CHRISTMAS PARTIES - A GUIDE FOR THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS
by Joyce Chong
At this time of the year we’re right in the midst of numerous social gatherings – end-of-year drinks with friends, work Christmas parties, holiday catch-up with the soccer team, family gatherings, the list goes on.
While it’s a social time, for some the prospect of enduring gathering after gathering full of people is something that triggers anxiety and even panic. For those experiencing social anxiety, we’ve put together a guide to help get through the holiday season.
What is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety occurs when we feel anxious in social performance situations because of the perceived potential for scrutiny by others or for our anxiety symptoms to ‘leak out’ and be visible to others.
The degree of anxiety experienced can vary according to different factors including who we're around (e.g. people in positions of authority vs. peers) or the type of occasion (e.g. public speaking vs. one-to-one).
In such situations, we can experience a range of physical changes (e.g. increased heart rate, increased breathing rate, butterflies in the stomach, and feeling flushed) as well as cognitive changes (e.g. worrying, jumping to conclusions, mind-reading). There is typically a preference to avoid the situation or, if this is not possible, to endure the situation with intense anxiety.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY?
Social situations can cause us all to feel nervous from time to time, for example when meeting our partner’s family and friends for the first time, or when delivering a presentation to a hundred people.
Signs of nerves getting a bit out of hand include some of the following [1]:
The anxiety is excessive relative to what others would experience in a similar situation.
There's deliberate avoidance of situations, for example, sending emails to the manager so as to avoid face-to-face meetings, or catching up individually with team members (at a significant time cost) rather than address everyone at once.
There is a need to do certain things to decrease anxiety in order to get through a situation. This may include drinking alcohol to calm the nerves, carrying medication to calm anxious feelings before they get too intense, or ensuring that our best friend or partner is there before agreeing to attending an event.
The anxiety, and the avoidance of such social situations, is having a negative impact on daily functioning. This includes missing out on promotions because the new work role involves public speaking, or turning down the opportunity to coach a sporting team because that would lead to being the focus of attention during a game.
How common is social anxiety disorder?
The 2007 Australian National Mental Health Survey found that, of the 16 million individuals surveyed, 4.7% of these individuals had a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder in the previous 12 months [2]. That’s about 1 in 20 who experience sufficiently severe levels of social anxiety to warrant a diagnosis.
Of course, this only captures those with a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, and does not include those who may be living with similar difficulties but not yet identified what it is.
So how can you survive Christmas when you feel so anxious?
We've put together some simple tips to help you over the next few weeks. Of course, be sure to seek help in the new year before this hits again next Christmas. Chances are there are also other social situations in which you may feel anxious (e.g. other parties, work meetings, meeting new people), so why not learn how to better manage these situations? In the meantime, check out these tips:
1. Face the fear… one baby step at a time
When we have to face any unfamiliar situation it helps to practice beforehand. Unfortunately it can be difficult to recreate our very own ‘practice work Christmas party’. Instead, try making small talk in ‘low stakes’ situations such as making small talk at the checkout when buying groceries, or asking a stranger for the time. If the consequences of the interaction are small - in that the likelihood of encountering this person again is low - it becomes easier to face the fear.
2. Prepare in advance
Often part of the fear is knowing what to say, particularly when there is a lull in conversation. If it helps, prepare some general conversation topics that could apply in most situations.
For instance, when talking to people who work, some general questions could include asking around how their year at work has been, what projects are on the horizon, and what they have planned for the holidays or how much time they're taking off work.
When talking to parents, you could ask them if they have anything special planned for Christmas, or ask them about their kids.
If you know they're into food and dining you can ask them if they have favourite cuisines, or what the best meal that they've ever had is.
3. Live in the moment, not in your head
We’ve probably all been in conversations where we’ve noticed that the other person isn’t quite listening. Rather, it feels like they're waiting for us to pause before jumping in to say what's been on their mind, irrespective of whether it fits with the flow of the conversation.
These disjointed conversations often arise because we place pressure on ourselves to find something to talk about, or to find 'common ground' with the other person. And, when we live in our heads, we miss out what is in the moment during the conversation.
So, learn to listen actively instead. It is, quite simply, one of the best ways to work out a talking point. Not convinced? Let's say we're talking to an acquaintance about her upcoming holiday in South America where she is particularly looking forward to visiting Machu Picchu in Peru.
Rather than focusing on our thoughts which may include, "What do I know about South America that I can talk about?" or "I have to come up with my own exciting holiday so I don't seem boring.", by focusing on listening to why she is especially looking forward to about Machu Picchu we can 'springboard' off her topic. Questions that easily flow on from looking forward to?", or "Are there other places in Peru that you're planning to visit?"
4. Check your thoughts
We do say to ‘check your thoughts’ a lot at The Skill Collective, and that’s because we really believe that our thoughts can ‘ramp up’ our anxiety. By assuming that we'll definitely embarrass ourselves, that we can’t cope with this awful situation, and that everyone will be staring at us, we let these thoughts increase our anxiety and question our ability to cope.
How true are our thoughts?
Do we, ourselves, pay full attention to the situation that we’re in, or are we sometimes caught up in our own thoughts about how tasty the Christmas turkey looks or how we're going to finish our report before we go on leave? If we do sometimes live in our heads, is it possible that others do too, rather than focusing their entire attention on us or judging us negatively?
What is the worst thing that someone could think about us? How likely is it that they will be having this exact thought about us?
If we make one small mistake – for example knocking over dropping a bit of salad on the table – how significant will that one small mistake be? Will it be the talking point at Christmases to come? Will anyone else remember dropping the salad?
5. Keep stress levels down in the lead up to the event
Heading straight from one event to another in a short space of time is a recipe for stress and anxiety. So, space out social gatherings where possible, take time prior to the gathering to compose nerves, and do some relaxation to calm stress levels. Just a simple case of breathing slowly in and out can help.
6. Be wary of a bit of 'Dutch courage'
Ah yes, it becomes all too easy doesn’t it, when the majority of social gatherings that we attend serve alcohol. A bit of social lubricant may seem like a good idea at the time, but taken to the extreme we can then forget what we have said, thus potentially creating a further layer of thoughts where we worry about having potentially embarrassed ourselves.
Also, if we rely on alcohol to cope, how can we ever learn that it is possible for us to manage anxiety on our own? That is, we become reliant on alcohol, and we don’t really face the issue.
Importantly:
The steps that we have outlined above are to help make things more bearable over the coming weeks and, as such, focus on small but manageable steps.
While they may be of help over the Christmas period, if you do identify with many of the symptoms of social anxiety described above, please do seek advice from your mental health professional about how to best tailor the above tips to your own situation to produce longer-term improvements.
Contact us to make an individual appointment to get started on making changes if social anxiety gets in the way of your life.
REFERENCES:
[1] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
[2] Australian Bureau of Statistics (2008). National survey of mental health and wellbeing: Summary of results, 2007, cat 4326.0, retrieved 11th December 2015, https://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/content/A24556C814804A99CA257BF0001CAC45/$File/mha25.pdf
Living with social anxiety can be limiting and lonely. If you find that your fear gets in the way of you living your best life, read on to find out how to turn things around.